Attempting to seize the day.

I've been playing a game of tag with Time lately and I'm always "it".

I have good intentions, I start my mornings and/or Mondays saying, "Today/this week will be better! I won't waste time!"

Almost without fail, though, something unexpected happens: an event I have to attend or an unexpected visit I have to be a part of. Too often (practically always), it makes me throw up my hands. Sigh, "My good intentions were thwarted! What's the point now?" And like that, my vim is gone; I allow myself to slip back down to inefficient placidity.

I had such a day today. One where I wanted to get things accomplished, as a precursor to the rest of the week, and, of course, the day was essentially a bust.

But, I refuse to give up; I have things to do, and I will get them done, regardless of the extraneous tasks and commitments clamouring for my attention.

I will make progress on my book, I will catch up in my Grammar course, I will respond to correspondences, I will journal, I will clean my room, I will finish that song, and I will do everything else that is slipping my mind at the moment.


...Apparently, inspiration and a can-do attitude fill me tonight. I'm glad! A little leery, but glad.

I will try my hardest to catch and hold every hour that comes my way, if not second.

It's on. *nods*



(P.S. This blog post was completely unplanned till it started writing itself about 30 minutes ago. For some reason, my desire to blog is very strong right now. Of course, the time when I feel I have nothing to say! My mind is very perverse.)


{Screenshot from the film "Before Sunset", and was found on tumblr, undoubtedly.}

life's unmerry-go-round

Do you know how many histrionic posts I have saved in my blogger drafts?
A lot.
Generally, I sleep on them before posting so they never see the light of day.
I should have done that last night.
I could delete that post and pretend I never felt that way. But, on the other hand... maybe I shouldn't always be swallowing these roiling emotions and should be letting them out sometimes. I know I can err on the side of being overly buttoned-up.



I stayed up late last night submerging myself in this beautifully written book:


It eased my heart's pain a little.

I do feel better, but nothing has changed. My issues and fears (which have nothing to do with anyone but myself) are still there and I know it's just a matter of time before they bring me down again. I'm still lost, but now I'm lying on the floor of the maze and looking up at the sky. Its gentle billowing is keeping me stable for the present.

On another note, I've never updated my blog this many times in one week. Next thing you know, I'll be one of those people who updates their Facebook status every 10 minutes!

Not really. :P

(i'm not even sure what's wrong)

I am so lost right now.

(Surely I'm capable of being a better person than this?)



Ignore me: I just need to step out of my bones for a moment, and let my shell fall to the floor in a crumbled heap of skin and blood and the vapor of long-held hopes.

I can't try to be strong anymore, I can no longer offer balm to others when my soul is a diseased, shriveled thing.

But at the same time, I can't stop hoping I can help someone else, even if I can't help myself.

out of sorts

I've been feeling out of sorts, as of late.
I've been wishing I could tear myself into thousands of tiny, insignificant pieces.
Or I wish I could shatter my heart like a china plate and make mosaics with the shards; even if I can't make something beautiful at least it would be different.

I just need something new to look at, that's all.

"I know what you mean about wishing that somebody wasn't there, though. It's usually, it's myself that I wish I could get away from. Seriously, think about this: I have never been anywhere that I haven't been. I've never had a kiss when I wasn't one of the kissers. Y'know, I've never gone to the movies, when I wasn't there in the audience. I've never been out bowling, if I wasn't there, y'know, making some stupid joke. I think that's why so many people hate themselves. Seriously, it's just they are sick to death of being around themselves."

~Jesse, Before Sunrise


My worn out, green-flecked emotions have been flaring up again. Mix in a pinch of apathy, a good dose of loneliness and a tumult of hormones and you have the mess known as me.

While some things have gotten better, some have just gotten worse. Though I'm no longer the unstable mess I was this winter, I've grown complacent. Change is something that needs to be worked at, even after it's already happened. I suspect we never truly finish changing, or growing rather. I need to pay more attention to myself, my emotional and spiritual well-being seems to slip under my radar too often. That needs to stop...


-'It All Got Worse' by Destry-
(my current favourite song)

Sorry, this post is rather moany. But what are blogs for, right? I almost disabled comments on this which is something I've considered doing many times but never actually done. I don't want anyone feel they have to or should respond to my pathetic complaints, but at the same time, I thrive on hearing from my blogging friends. Maybe I'm over-thinking this... (But I just may do a post without comments one of these old days, just you wait and see! :P)

{Picture taken from the text of the book "Home" by Marilynne Robinson.}

to myself:

wake-up, wake-up!
can you hear me?

you've fallen asleep and let everything topple around you.
you don't care.

locks are rusted; the key is buried deep in your heart and you won't wake-up ever again.
i need you to care, i need you.

the piles of regret on the floor are knee-deep. everywhere i go i'm wading through heartache and nostalgia that stain my feet with blood.
i sharpen these words and run their blade down your body. i leave red footprints in your snow white skin. but you don't feel anything except the sleep.

the sheets are stained with your tears that i cry for you.
i want to love you again as i once loved you when we were the same person.
you were a part of me,
now you are apart from me.

come back. wake-up.
(please! don't leave me alone.
i am fading away now that you don't care.)

I need to clean my room. In short, it looks like a filing cabinet sneezed all over my floor. It also looks like my chest of drawers vomited....
I told my brother my messy room was symbolic of my life. It was a joke and it was the truth. So, yes. life has been messy and full of large doses of apathy and a sadness I can't quite shake. But, I really have been feeling better. The words above were written in memory of how I used to feel in the not-so-distant past. Waking-up has been an excruciating, slow process. The arrival of warmer weather has helped, though. It's as if Spring has helped thaw my heart. (Rather cheesy, non?)
I'm heading into a busy weekend and week. We are moving my grandparents into their new home tomorrow. I also have all-day rehearsal for Alice in Wonderland which I'll have to miss part of. (I don't really mind, though.) Next weekend is the play so I am heading into production week. (If I'm not around much, that's why.) I feel so weary and unprepared. But you know what? It's okay. God is good. And as much I seem to have trouble remembering that, at the end of the day that's all that matters, really.
And after life calms down, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to clean my room.

the turning point.

~~[WARNING: confessional post ahead. :P]~~

I feel I have reached a real turning point.
As you may have noticed from my last post, I have been struggling. This is not a recent thing, though. I can't really go into everything because I don't have the space or the words. I will say this, though: the past few years have been extremely difficult for me spiritually and emotionally. I have been fluctuating between hope and utter despair. Turning away from and towards God over and over.

This past December was a happy time and I thought I was finally working things out and beginning to get better.
But January came with a vengeance and nearly did me in. These past weeks, especially last week, I reached new lows. Hateful things constantly bubbled up within me. I came to a level of self-loathing that is hard to return from. And I barely even cared. I was basically numb.

Then, a couple of days ago, I was reading some random girl's blog. I don't even know who she was or how I got there, really. But this girl's blog was the most depressing thing I have read in a long time. I saw a girl who was blind to the things that really matter. She hated when she should love and because of her anger and sadness she found vindication in turning to the blade of a knife.
I knew I was becoming this girl and suddenly I clearly realized, I don't want to be this girl.

I felt as if I had been ambivalently treading water, nearly drowning and had finally decided I was going to swim.
I felt light and joyous. I just wanted to stand on something and sing. (Which is often my response to happiness, haha.)

I needed to share this because nobody has any idea... I know my parents care about me so much and maybe because of that I am unable to fully confide in them. (Right now, at least.)
Pray for me, if you ever think of it. This healing process is going to be difficult, I know. Too many times I have fallen back in with temptations. But I have been slowly dying and I am ready to finally live. Trusting God and giving Him everything is hard for me, I admit. But I am looking upward and I can feel my wounded soul starting to heal.


"But I trust in Your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in Your salvation.
I will sing the Lord's praise,
for He has been good to me."
Psalm 13:5-6