Sunday, January 30, 2011

the turning point.

~~[WARNING: confessional post ahead. :P]~~

I feel I have reached a real turning point.
As you may have noticed from my last post, I have been struggling. This is not a recent thing, though. I can't really go into everything because I don't have the space or the words. I will say this, though: the past few years have been extremely difficult for me spiritually and emotionally. I have been fluctuating between hope and utter despair. Turning away from and towards God over and over.

This past December was a happy time and I thought I was finally working things out and beginning to get better.
But January came with a vengeance and nearly did me in. These past weeks, especially last week, I reached new lows. Hateful things constantly bubbled up within me. I came to a level of self-loathing that is hard to return from. And I barely even cared. I was basically numb.

Then, a couple of days ago, I was reading some random girl's blog. I don't even know who she was or how I got there, really. But this girl's blog was the most depressing thing I have read in a long time. I saw a girl who was blind to the things that really matter. She hated when she should love and because of her anger and sadness she found vindication in turning to the blade of a knife.
I knew I was becoming this girl and suddenly I clearly realized, I don't want to be this girl.

I felt as if I had been ambivalently treading water, nearly drowning and had finally decided I was going to swim.
I felt light and joyous. I just wanted to stand on something and sing. (Which is often my response to happiness, haha.)

I needed to share this because nobody has any idea... I know my parents care about me so much and maybe because of that I am unable to fully confide in them. (Right now, at least.)
Pray for me, if you ever think of it. This healing process is going to be difficult, I know. Too many times I have fallen back in with temptations. But I have been slowly dying and I am ready to finally live. Trusting God and giving Him everything is hard for me, I admit. But I am looking upward and I can feel my wounded soul starting to heal.

"But I trust in Your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in Your salvation.
I will sing the Lord's praise,
for He has been good to me."

Psalm 13:5-6


  1. This is one of the happiest things I have read!

    So good that you feel this way once more, dear, I am so happy for you. we tend to get swallowed up by melancholy at times, and it can be hard to find a way out. You are a strong, beautiful girl, and I know you'll be alright.

    This really brightened my day, dear. Love to you xxx

  2. I don't quite know how to start, so I'll awkwardly start right in :) I'm glad to hear that you've reach a turning point, a realization, or found a new little light to follow. It was a good thing you stumbled onto that particular blog - dare I say you were probably meant to see it at this time.

    Sometimes looking at someone else and seeing how they are is what you need in order to gain strength to battle with your own struggles (Is that why they keep repeating shows like Intervention or 16 and Pregnant? Haha). I know that, in the opposite sense, I get a boost of inspiration and creativity whenever I stumble upon a beautiful picture, a cute boy, or magical words. It always seems to happen just at the right time. I feel like someone is looking out for me up there :) I'm sure that someone - no matter what form - is cheering for you. You can do it.

    So treat yourself to an uplifting (but not sappy) book, prferrably one on fairy tales (and not so modern, because they tend to be over-the-top gory... for no reason) and make yourself your favorite flavor of tea. Smile. Don't let the journey frigten you, because it's your own particular path, and no one else can take it but you :)

  3. Of course I'll keep praying, dear, as I have been whenever I think of you. Your journey (if you will) will be hard, but worth it--so worth it. (Just a thought--maybe outward changes will help you feel strong as you start anew spiritually? I don't know...change your hair, your room, even your blog if you felt like it...)
    Don't be discouraged even if you find yourself falling back into your old ways; "And he said unto me, 'My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness.'" - 2 Corinthians 12:9 If you ever need for a cathartic confessional, please do. I certainly won't be judging you.

  4. Oh, the first thing that I wanted to say, dear, is that how are you now? I hope you are alright...

    I'm so glad that even at this point you can still look up and trust in Him despite of everything. I have always told this to myself, trust in Him and everything will be fine...

    I'm happy that you are writing it all the down. You can say it's turning away from all others, or a defense mechanism, yes maybe. But I say it is simply going in, moving on, finding strength by looking at your weaknesses.

    Love yah. :) ♥

  5. I am so happy to hear that you are healing. Often it's been right after my moments of greatest despair and doubt, that, (if I can hold onto a sliver of faith, no matter how small), I end up much closer to God than I was before. Sometimes our darkest moments prepare us for the light. You are in my prayers. xoxo

  6. mckenzie: Oh, thank you! Your words are so encouraging. I'm glad I could spread a little of the happiness I am feeling. <3

    CloudyKim: I usually just end up jumping right in too, it's the best way, really. ;) Thank you. I definitely agree with everything you said. I think these things do happen when they need to happen.
    Thank you for the encouragement! That is wonderful that you get such inspirations from beautiful things at the right moment. I feel I must have had that happen in the past but I've been regrettably blind to such things lately. Your advice is just lovely! I will certainly be doing those. :)

    Jenica: Thank you, dearheart. Your prayers really do mean so much to me. I admit, I've always had an aversion to change. Regardless, I really like that thought! I'll have to think about doing something...
    Oh, how interesting that you should share that verse! It has seemingly haunted me, popping up in many of my darkest times. I really need those words for I lose hope the minute I start falling back on my old ways. Oh, thank you so much for that sweetest of offers. If I ever feel the need to fully unburden my soul I will certainly take you up on that.

    haze: I think I am alright. :) I am a bit apprehensive because I know how weak I am, but God is strong, yes?
    Thank you for asking and for caring.
    (Admittedly, It is not always easy for me to trust. But I tell myself something similar. And I know if I can't trust Him, I can't trust anyone.)
    Love you too! :)

    Jade: Thank you, dearest. I have heard that is often the case. I think we are most willing to listen or trust in God when we have nothing left. It really does make the world of difference to know they are people out there praying for me. Thank you. <3

  7. Oh Melee, you're so so beautiful; you're such a strong Christian and you just inspire me to develop my faith. You're such a remarkable girl and I am honoured to know you, swan. <3

  8. Oh, I really am not. But I am trying to be. I am happy I could inspire you in that way since it is really so important. Thank you, my beautiful friend. That is exactly how I feel about you. <3

  9. Oh, dearest! *hugs* I am at that spot right now and I understand exactly how you feel. I am glad that you discovered this girl's blog and are trying to turn your emotions to a higher note... I fell once to be that girl and... It is a cold dark place to be in.
    You are too lovely of a person to ever fall into that kind of pain.
    p.s. My dear friend at Ardor and Dolor tells me that she adores your comments (although she is a little shy with how to respond to them). You are simply amazing reaching out as you do to new people and blogs and I hope you know you are loved.

  10. Darling Ever, thank you very much for your comment. It truly touched my heart. I hope you are alright now, too? It is indeed a cold, dark place to be in and no one deserves to be there. *hugs*

    P.S. Awww, well, maybe I'll have to stop by and drop her a comment. :) Oh, I don't feel at all deserving of such words! Nevertheless, thank you. <3

  11. Darling, I'll keep you in my prayers. I'm glad you reached a turning point, sometimes it helps us to gain power and trust once more. I do hope that girl is okay.. many turn to self-harm, as a way of expressing their mental pain, physically.. I do feel for this girl, really. Please be well, dear. :) xxxx

  12. Thank you, dear Joanna. I have been praying for this girl. I never understood how someone could harm themselves on purpose and I never thought I could or would do it. But then....
    Thankfully I saw the light soon after and I so hope someday this girl will too.


Silhouettes of a secret. A story told over a cuppa. Or perhaps just sitting on that stone bench, basking in the moonlight... and not saying anything at all.

("I can no other answer make but thanks, and thanks, and ever thanks." -Shakespeare, Twelfth Night)