As much as I may wish it, life cannot simply put on hold for those days, weeks, months, (years?) I can't get a grip. I must carry on, all the while feeling that everything is slipping past and my mind is stuffed with cotton. I see everything through a trance, but that trance is godsent, for when it clears that is when the guilt and sadness set in. It always seems to clear at night.
The past month or three, more nights than not have found me lying on my bed, wanting to disappear. Wanting it so hard, it aches.
"And it hurts to be here
I don't want to be here
And it hurts to be here
Tonight..."
-Polly Scattergood, Untitled 27
Though a bad idea, I've done my best to put life on hold, but (unsurprisingly) it's fallen on top of me, and I'm suffocating.
It's just gotten really difficult, not knowing what I want, and not having the self-discipline to pull myself together.
I don't know what to say. I have no words.
(And Marjorie, my inner muse, has been giving me the cold shoulder. But since I wasn't even noticing, she decided to give me two stories in one day [really crappy stories, mind] to make me realize that she had essentially deserted me. That vixen!)
My days...
My days have been full of...
Going to the library, and getting more books than I have the time or inclination to read,
cleaning (which is, I confess, enjoyable),
listening to Polly Scattergood,
and trying to beat the record for amount of Byker Grove episodes watched in one day.
(I started watching the show because it features a certain pair [see below] as young 'uns. But I'm really enjoying the show in its own right too. I'm actually kind of obsessed with The Grove and its occupants... The whole series is currently on dailymotion.com, since it's not on DVD, annoyingly enough.)
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| Actually, Byker Grove is the show Ant and Dec met on!!! And the rest is history... |
This past week, I actually thought things were starting to get better.
In some ways, they have. Two certain fab girls have brought so much light and joy to my life recently. Life is beautiful, life is hilarious with them on the other side of the screen. ♥
I want to get out of the place I'm in, but I don't know how. I am so weak. I've never been this weak before, not even when I was harming myself.
I don't know, I just don't know. I am sorry.
(Just know, I love you all. I don't know how I got so lucky to have such wonderful people in my life.)
Perhaps I will post something less pathetic in the week(s) to come.
{First picture is "Jove decadent" by Ramon Casas, and second picture was probably found here.}
