Friday, April 8, 2011

to myself:

wake-up, wake-up!
can you hear me?

you've fallen asleep and let everything topple around you.
you don't care.

locks are rusted; the key is buried deep in your heart and you won't wake-up ever again.
i need you to care, i need you.

the piles of regret on the floor are knee-deep. everywhere i go i'm wading through heartache and nostalgia that stain my feet with blood.
i sharpen these words and run their blade down your body. i leave red footprints in your snow white skin. but you don't feel anything except the sleep.

the sheets are stained with your tears that i cry for you.
i want to love you again as i once loved you when we were the same person.
you were a part of me,
now you are apart from me.

come back. wake-up.
(please! don't leave me alone.
i am fading away now that you don't care.)

I need to clean my room. In short, it looks like a filing cabinet sneezed all over my floor. It also looks like my chest of drawers vomited....
I told my brother my messy room was symbolic of my life. It was a joke and it was the truth. So, yes. life has been messy and full of large doses of apathy and a sadness I can't quite shake. But, I really have been feeling better. The words above were written in memory of how I used to feel in the not-so-distant past. Waking-up has been an excruciating, slow process. The arrival of warmer weather has helped, though. It's as if Spring has helped thaw my heart. (Rather cheesy, non?)
I'm heading into a busy weekend and week. We are moving my grandparents into their new home tomorrow. I also have all-day rehearsal for Alice in Wonderland which I'll have to miss part of. (I don't really mind, though.) Next weekend is the play so I am heading into production week. (If I'm not around much, that's why.) I feel so weary and unprepared. But you know what? It's okay. God is good. And as much I seem to have trouble remembering that, at the end of the day that's all that matters, really.
And after life calms down, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to clean my room.


  1. oh, my beautiful Melee, i am so happy you are feeling this way lately... :) my room has always been a mess too, and it kinda work out for my messy mind. hehe... anyways, keep smiling, dove... good luck for the rehearsal :)♥

  2. ah, you're such a star - and I do envy you so for being in a production of Alice in Wonderland: you must tell me delicious details about it! :)

    and oh, it is so strange you should say that about my room because I had a horrible breakdown this morning when looking at the state of mine, and then attempted to make some order of it, which didn't really work. but it is nice to know that you, dear kindred spirit, are going through the same things.

    I love you!

  3. Wishing you continued healing & peace. :) While it can be difficult to get motivated to clean up, sometimes the process can be cleansing emotionally.

  4. Oh sweatheart, you are so beautiful. That you can remember feelings of such sorrow and yet still see that God is good.
    Cleaning your room will feel great. It really is symbolic. Sometimes my flat works in the opposite direction, the more I clean, the worse I am inside. There is always a point where you step over the line of being able to put a brave face, presenting a tidy exterior when inside is a mess... I'm rambling, sorry. Glad you're feeling better. <3

  5. Oh, my dear! I feel as though this was written just for me. I know exactly the feeling, I too have just begun to wake up from a seemingly eternal and toxic slumber. Spring has a way of doing that just when the winter becomes unbearable.

    xx and hugs


  6. haze: I am happy about it too... :) I've always had at least a semi-messy room but its current state has gotten to be too much! But as you said, my slightly disorganized room has always represented my slightly disorganized nature! Thank you - it went pretty well!

    Sarah: I'm not sure how many there are but I would be happy to tell you anything you want to know about it! :)
    Oh, gosh. That sounds so like me; having a breakdown in the middle of my own disorder. And likewise it is nice to know you are right there with me. Here's hoping we can both bring a little order to the chaos! I love you so much my dearest kindred soul. <3

    Jade: Thank you, Jade. It can indeed! I'm hoping this motivation sticks around until I have the time to give it proper attention. <3

    Heather: Oh, thank you. So often my perverse heart refuses to acknowledge that. Even then, I cannot ever deny it.
    I understand the putting up a facade. Usually, I will clean the rest of the house when feeling this way but my room is like my soul, I guess, and it is the secret place I hide because it shows what I'm really feeling. Oh no, your comment wasn't rambling! Anyhow, I happen to adore rambling comments. :)

    Jhordyn Ashley: How wonderful! I am glad you too are awaking with the arrival of spring. It always does come in the nick of time.

  7. Poor Melee, I hope you are feeling better, and that things are a little less messy. I know exactly what you mean about Spring thawing your heart. I've had rather the same thing. And also, best of luck with Alice in Wonderland. That must be great fun.
    ps. I just spotted Catherine Deneuve on your sidebar thingy, and that made me very happy because I love Les Parapluies de Cherbourg, and Nino Castelnuovo is unbelievably handsome, and I went to see a stage production of it yesterday, which was amazing.

  8. Oh, I love the idea of regret as something tangible that one could actually walk amongst - I always feel that very strongly after a bad decision; that I can feel it everywhere I go, holding me back. You write so beautifully, dear :) xx

  9. Minna: Life is feeling a little less messy, I hope it's not just my imagination! It is crazy and a lot of fun. :)
    Yay!!! I love Les Parapluies de Cherbourg too! Oh my goodness, there is this young man at our church who looks almost exactly like Nino Castelnuovo! It's pretty amazing. And though I know his real name I can never think of him as anything else but "Guy". (Pronounced the French way of course, with a tinge of melodrama.) I would love to see a stage production of it, that sounds like such fun!

    holly and the wolves: Thank you so much, dearest Holly. My regret has always felt very tangible. Bad decisions do seem to grab at one's ankles, don't they? :)

  10. Ah I like the way your mind works--your metaphors are so fresh! I'll continue to pray for you--that your sadness and apathy fades. Hope you're enjoying production week in spite of everything :)

  11. Thank you so much, sweet Jenica. And your prayers are so appreciated, they really are! I am enjoying it; I cannot deny the intoxication of production week! :)

  12. featured you on my blog,

    ♥ take care, dove
    p.s. dearest, i hope you don't mind if i used your photo and the song you wrote... if you do, please let me know so i can remove it. :)

  13. depth of your words took me far away.....far far away...

  14. haze: Thank you (again!) from the bottom of my heart, haze! And no, I don't mind in the least but thank you very much for asking. :)

    Nikita: Oh, thank you - how lovely! :)

  15. What an awesome poem! Reminds me of Sleeping Beauty in a way. That certainly must have been an angle to it, even for the real princess.

    Hahaha, a messy room. I can totally understand that. My room is usually the first thing to go when I'm buried in work. I start piling things up on all surfaces. I'm a piler, haha. But it bothers me so much when my room is messy. I have one more day left of school duties before the summer vacation and after that, I'm going to plow through my room and make it clean again. It feels good when you clean it, right? :D

  16. Thanks so much! Actually, after I wrote it I thought to myself, "Hmm, this has a tinge of Sleeping Beauty!"

    I'm a piler too! Even when my room is clean there are still inevitable piles. They're neat and small ones, though. Have fun cleaning your room! It feels more than good - it feels fantastic! =D


Silhouettes of a secret. A story told over a cuppa. Or perhaps just sitting on that stone bench, basking in the moonlight... and not saying anything at all.

("I can no other answer make but thanks, and thanks, and ever thanks." -Shakespeare, Twelfth Night)