Sunday, November 27, 2011

Nyro November

As Christmas lights twinkle at me from neighbouring windows, I must accept that November's candle has nearly burned to the end.

This is not neccesarily a bad thing, though. I journaled a lot during the month of November and looking back, I realize how bemusing it was...

--We took a day trip down to see our paternal grandparents. It was my first time seeing my grandfather since he's been diagnosed with cancer. [This next bit is copied from my journal] He's undergone half of his treatments and I was shocked... because he looks no different! I would never even suspect he had cancer. I almost feel guilty, because I have been relatively untouched by tragedy & now that it has come... it's a nonentity. So far, that is. I should be giving thanks to God but I'm just sitting here wondering what the catch is. Sad, n'est-ce pas?

--Less importantly, I found out I have "misophonia" which is a form of decreased sound tolerance. From wikipedia: "People who have misophonia are most commonly annoyed, or even enraged, by the sound of other people eating, breathing, coughing, or other ordinary sounds." My whole life makes sense now! Or at least the past couple years do. :P

--On November 21 my "baby" brother had his 13th birthday! I could have sworn he was still 6, I really could've. As often as he drives me crazy, I love that boy so much. This one's for you, love muffin! ;)

--And most shockingly, my older sister has a boyfriend. Her first. Our whole family’s first, really. Let me put this in context: she's never had a boyfriend because her convictions do not include dating for dating's sake or transient relationships. This relationship is a serious one: one with the goal of possible marriage someday.

*excuse me while I scream inside*

I feel... a tumult of emotions. This all came on so fast - I almost feel threatened. My sister and I are close and she's already away so much; I wasn't prepared to lose her to a guy so soon! We all finally met him today. He seems nice and a little bit shy. Still... this is shaking my world. I'll get used to it, though... eventually.
As I've watched this whole thing unfold, (the talking, the texting, the praying, the texting, the texting) all I can think is Aww...! [I don't want this for myself. I don't want this; I don't want this.] Perhaps it's my young age, but the knowledge that I am not expected to stay single my whole life makes me sick. But this is a bewildering topic I could wax on for hours. Let us drop it for now.

November has been strange for me, emotionally speaking. One day I'll feel driven and inspired; I write/bake cookies/paint with my brother; and then the next day all I want to do is crawl into a hole where there are no people and I can cry in peace.
These past couple weeks, I've developed an ennui: the grey, sticky kind that's so hard to wash from the folds of the sky. I thought it was circumstantial, temporary; I thought I could keep it at arm's length until "that time" ended. Apparently not. It's still here.

November has sounded like a Laura Nyro song.

Practically all I listened to the month of November was her album New York Tendaberry, and (starting this past week) Eli and the Thirteenth Confession. On good days and bad, her music remained the only thing I didn't weary of. But those aren't the only reasons why I say November has sounded like one of her songs. Her changing tempos, the soaring flight; then landing; then soaring again of her songs has mirrored the carousel rhythm of my emotions. Except, I lack the passion she sings with; I don't seem to feel anything deeply anymore.

Today in church, though... I felt inspired. I can pull my act together this week, I thought. I can pull my whole life together!
Sitting in church seems to be the place where I make my best (and oft most random) resolves. Sermon-listening doesn't always happen, but that's just how it goes sometimes.

My ennui has not made a peep all day, and I am hoping this week will be better. That is one thing we must always cling to: surely tomorrow will be better. If we didn’t believe that, I’m not sure many of us would choose to wake up ever again.

So, though November has been an altogether bone-rattling month, I face the beginning of my favourite season with careworn hopes dug out from under the bed and grasped in my hands again. I’m not sure they will help, but I need to hold them and try to seek the truth again. I'm tired of being lost.

('The Man Who Sends Me Home' by Laura Nyro. I realize her music is not to everyone's liking, but I think she's pretty darn amazing, so I dinna care.)

{1st picture is text from the book I Am Half-Sick of Shadows by Alan Bradley and the 2nd picture is of Laura Nyro.}

Thursday, November 17, 2011

the wanderer

tranquil roaming, wind knocking against my soul.
the spaces 'neath my eyes look kissed by the lavender wings of the moths that would fly up against the stars on summer nights.
summer nights--oh, strange they should come up again, just when the scar wrapped around me became another irrelevant story. twas you! your doing. you had me in your jaws; caused me cringes in the ringing silence between clock strikes.

you made a wanderer out of me.

domesticity is no way to live when one's hands are too raw to even pick up the truth. you were too, too anchored to your reality. what call could i answer but that of transiency?
now a wanderlust beats where cowardice once lay. power in every step, though my bones have magnified and delirious perseverance is my main emotion.

it is autumn & i know i will fall with the rest.

as the leaves flame & break away, i watch: drifting to my knees, admiration on the tip of my tongue. beautiful, i sigh. beautiful.
i reach a hand up to catch their whispery caresses. things are so beautiful when they are dying, i murmur.
the earth reaches to hold me; a rustle under my head, a last rustle of my heart.
beautiful! i am beautiful!

{I don't know what this is, really. It was written one recent midnight, and I was so happy to actually have a story to tell. I think while writing, I unconsciously had in mind conversations I'd had with my friend Jessica about autumn and transiency and such.
The picture is by me, and was taken on our back porch on a lovely, lonely rainy autumn afternoon. Those are my fat feet, yes. :P}

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Re-watching movies.

My writing is torturing me this week, both my past words and present. (The quantity of the former and the quality of the latter.) But I am trying to stay positive, or at least focus on other things. Such as... films I love!

Because I read anywhere from 6-10 books a week, I don't watch many movies. I prefer reading! Getting me to watch a full-length movie can be a struggle, just ask my family. It's not that I don't like to watch movies, but sometimes I find the thought of being tied to the screen for that long daunting. I couldn't explain the reason why; it's beyond quixotic of me since I often sit that long at my computer screen. And some times I am more than willing to watch. It's very weird.
Come to think of it, I believe it has something to do with the fact that I can't walk away any time I want to if I'm watching with other people; I like my time to be flexible for doing whatever strikes my fancy. (Bad characteristic!)
What I should do is re-watch movies by myself, on my laptop because there are many movies I utterly love, but haven't watched in a while. I need to start making time to sit and watch them, if only in increments. In lieu of that, I started thinking about movies I want to re-watch and this is the list I came up with...

Les Parapluies de Cherbourg - A favourite I'm always in the mood for! For those of you unfamiliar with this beautiful film, all the dialogue is sung... in French (of course)! Some people find this strange - ah, but they have never actually watched it!

Alice in the Cities (AKA Alice in den Städten) - This is like the non-perverted version of Lolita. It's an obscure German film, and I only ran across it because Sibylle Baier appears briefly in a scene. (Thank goodness for YouTube!)

The Monkees: Head - I am a big fan of the Monkees, both their show and their music. Their movie Head, which was made in 1968, was basically meant to shatter the image that had been created for them. That being said, it's a rather disturbing and random film, but I love it... in a strange sort of way.

Little Dorrit - My favourite Dickens next to Our Mutual Friend! I read the book the other month which only increased my desire to watch this lovely mini-series. I remember watching it when it first aired on PBS and having to wait a week in between installments. Quite aggravating!

The Thin Man - This movie is slated for a remake and I am so miffed about it! All I can say is, why remake perfection? No one else could capture the hilarious couple of Nick and Nora like Myrna Loy and William Powell did. *shakes head* What is the world coming to?

My Man Godfrey - Oh, look at that... another movie starring William Powell. Ha! Ha! You'd think I had a thing for him or something.....
This movie is crazy in the way only 1940's comedies can be. In my opinion, many of the best movies come from this era.

Meet Me in St. Louis - A sweet, nostalgic musical starring Judy Garland! Need I say more? (I just love her - what a voice! *dreamy sigh*)

The Shop Around the Corner - I just adore this film! Of course, it's James Stewart; you can't go wrong with him! This movie has been remade a couple times. Most importantly into...

You've Got Mail - Essentially The Shop Around the Corner with emails instead of letters! ...But not really. They have enough differences that it doesn't feel like you're watching the same film. I don't prefer either one; they're both so wonderful and funny.

Muppets Take Manhattan - Probably my favourite Muppet movie! I can quote it forwards and back, but it never gets old. (I have to admit, I am not excited about the new Muppet movie that has been made... It just doesn't look like it has the feel of the classic Muppet movies. Or the show, for that matter. I'm an incorrigible purist, sorry.)

Before Sunset -The second half of the greatest pairing of films! (The first being Before Sunrise.)If you like a lot of intelligent conversation and ponderings, these movies are a must. However, if ambiguous endings drive you crazy, don't watch these!

Well, that's all I can think of, though there are undoubtedly more. What about you all? Any movies you want to re-watch right now?

(...Now, which should I start watching first?)

{All pictures found on tumblr, except the first one which is one of my own screenshots.}