Thursday, July 28, 2011

out of sorts

I've been feeling out of sorts, as of late.
I've been wishing I could tear myself into thousands of tiny, insignificant pieces.
Or I wish I could shatter my heart like a china plate and make mosaics with the shards; even if I can't make something beautiful at least it would be different.

I just need something new to look at, that's all.

"I know what you mean about wishing that somebody wasn't there, though. It's usually, it's myself that I wish I could get away from. Seriously, think about this: I have never been anywhere that I haven't been. I've never had a kiss when I wasn't one of the kissers. Y'know, I've never gone to the movies, when I wasn't there in the audience. I've never been out bowling, if I wasn't there, y'know, making some stupid joke. I think that's why so many people hate themselves. Seriously, it's just they are sick to death of being around themselves."

~Jesse, Before Sunrise

My worn out, green-flecked emotions have been flaring up again. Mix in a pinch of apathy, a good dose of loneliness and a tumult of hormones and you have the mess known as me.

While some things have gotten better, some have just gotten worse. Though I'm no longer the unstable mess I was this winter, I've grown complacent. Change is something that needs to be worked at, even after it's already happened. I suspect we never truly finish changing, or growing rather. I need to pay more attention to myself, my emotional and spiritual well-being seems to slip under my radar too often. That needs to stop...

-'It All Got Worse' by Destry-
(my current favourite song)

Sorry, this post is rather moany. But what are blogs for, right? I almost disabled comments on this which is something I've considered doing many times but never actually done. I don't want anyone feel they have to or should respond to my pathetic complaints, but at the same time, I thrive on hearing from my blogging friends. Maybe I'm over-thinking this... (But I just may do a post without comments one of these old days, just you wait and see! :P)

{Picture taken from the text of the book "Home" by Marilynne Robinson.}


  1. Wow, I love the quote you put in. It's true - we can never get away from ourselves. Some people are more okay with it than others. I like being alone (I get more work done then, haha) but then my brother, for example, can't sit still for very long before he searches for someone to hang out with. I guess it really just depends.

    There's nothing wrong with your moany post, haha. You're right - it is what blogging is for. And you always put your moods and feelings into words so beautifully, so it's always fun to read (though I wouldn't wish sadness on you at all).

    Read some happy books and go swimming. Enjoy summer before school starts again. For me, at least, it's starting in three weeks. Gahhh, so sooooon.

  2. I can really relate to your last paragraph. Something huge changed in last winter and I've been struggling through it and am now feeling a bit stagnant and scared of feeling that way. I'm glad you shared it.

    It is tough feeling this way and I don't have any "solutions" per se but take things one day at a time and know that I (you) are not alone!

  3. I love the quote at the beginning, it's a really curious way of thinking about it. About the piece of writing, it's not about me. But I can relate to most of it. I hope you can't but those things seem to make us grow.

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  5. Oh dearest, you are quite, quite beautiful when you are unshattered. And though I am sure a Melee mosaic would be quite breath-taking, stay whole so there'll be enough of your lovely self, filled with wisdom and kindness, for all of us to benefit from. I know completely what you mean about emotional and spiritual highs; but my darling, this too shall pass.

    I love you so much. <3 Whilst you are delicate, you are also a lionheart, so I know you can surmount this.

    your Sarah


  6. I noticed that even when you are feeling discontent, you have such incredible and beautiful ideas... Hold onto that. Your ability to express yourself honestly and your ingenuity are so refreshing. Things will get better in time... Watch the storm as it passes by.

    If it's a type of boredom or lack of enthusiasm you're experiencing, I have faith that it will pass. We all go through these at times, at least I know I have.


  7. The quote is so true. People are like that all the time, no matter how much they deny it. And sometimes, it doesn't make sense to others. I think that's the way this life works, not being contented and wanting to explore more, or just choosing to curl inside the shell. Haha.

    I admire you as a writer, like I admire Shakespeare and Sparks. You have a beautiful way of writing out your feelings. And I hope it feels better now, if not, less of whatever it is. And you are lovely, my rose. And believe me you make this world a better place.

    P.S. Don't worry about turning off the comments. I can totally understand. I do that all the time... yah know, when you want to write and shout it out without hearing judgments or comforting words from others... it feels wonderful (at least in my part. hehe)

    ♥ u!

  8. You should read my high school poetry....:-/
    Just know this: eventually, you will move out of this dark patch and into the sunshine. I remember realizing one day, in my 20s, that my dark moodiness had passed. Not that I don't get moody now and again, but it's not as constant as it used to be. And though you may have reasons to not like yourself now (we all have our flaws, after all), as you get older, what multiplies are the reasons TO like yourself, especially as you get to know yourself better and start to hang out with people who are fantastic in different ways from the people you know now, and can draw out those aspects of yourself that aren't being drawn out now.
    Also, looking at the comments, you seem to have some really good friends right now. Hang onto them. They come in handy later in life, too. :-)

  9. CloudyKim: I am glad you like it! It was one of those wonderful moments where the quote popped into my head as I was writing the post and I was like, "Yes! That'd be perfect!"
    I definitely fall into the "I like to be alone" category. Actually, it can tend to be more like the "leave me alone" category. Hehe.

    Thank you! Your comments never fail to make me feel better. Hehe, yes I know you wouldn't wish sadness on me - I get what you mean. :)

    Ah!!! Where did summer go? I don't know if I can arrange swimming, but I think I could manage a happy book or two. :)

    Shopgirl: It is extremely gratifying to know I am not alone. I hope you continue to grow stronger too! One day at a time - that's always good advice. :)

    Lilah: I'm glad it's not you. I just relate to it, as well. I'm nowhere close to being that girl. Not anymore, at least. These things really do help us grow.

    Sarah: Oh, love - you are the steadfast crimson sash on my drab frock. Thank you, thank you. Your words are so heartening. Hearing from you made my day... Nay, week!
    I love you, dearest heart, so much. My words cannot convey how much. <3

  10. Jade: It doesn't always feel that way, but thank you. You always leave me such sage and encouraging words.

    It is a bit of ennui, as well as other things. I have to remember these things do pass, even though they feel permanent when one is 'in the moment'. <3

    haze: Yup, and we alone can choose which we will do.

    Oh, wow. *blush* Such praise! I don't deserve it in the least. Thank you, haze. And I do feel better. It just might have something to do with your and other's comments.I love you, did you know that? Just thought I'd tell you in case you didn't already know. <3

    I'm just going to go for it someday! I think it might be therapeutic.

    Greg: *gasp* Well, hey there, stranger!

    Thank you for the perspective; I really appreciate it since I have such a limited scope at the moment. :)

    I do! I have the most wonderful friends on the face of this earth. :) I never cease to be amazed at just how wonderful they are. I feel unworthy - but just try to be as good a friend as they are to me.

    Also, thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment. Twas an extremely nice surprise. :)

  11. I really can relate to you, this is how I've felt the past couple of days and you always seem to put it into words so beautifully.. and I love that! Hope you feel better!! Pretty lady xxx

  12. Oh, thank you so much, Gypsy! I hope you feel better and brighter as well. You're an absolute love. <3

  13. I love that quote--being tired of being around oneself is a funny, interesting thought. (I sometimes think it's strange that I'll never be anyone else, but I'd never thought about being tired of being around myself.)
    I really hope that you will feel happier soon, but your sad words are very beautiful.

  14. And I have never considered the thought I'll never be anyone else! That is quite interesting... Hm, I'll have to think about that some more now.

    Thank you, dear Lumina. I think happiness has ceased its ebbing and will hopefully be flowing back.

  15. In times of heartbreak and tragedy I always thrive off the simple things, go for a walk and note the colour of every wildflower, make friends with all of the butterflies and crickets and dragonflies which are truly faeries in disguise. You'll find your way back <3

    xx and hugs


  16. I love those ideas, Jhordyn - they're lovely! And doing simple things is always so comforting for some reason. :)
    Thank you. <3

  17. darling, i have found a new home. how far is heaven? is no longer existing.

  18. Thanks for telling me. :) For a moment there I was afraid I'd lost you forever. ♥

  19. You did do a post without comments, SNEAKY.

    Love to you.
    You are so beautiful.
    Just remember that.
    We all get tired of ourselves sometimes, but I find that moaping about it only helps for so long. Blogs are, of course, always for moaning. :)

    I love Millay's poem. It made me laugh because it's just so true. Sometimes, when our tears are all dried up, all we can do is laugh.

  20. Hehe, yah, you know me! I'm a sneaky one. =D (I figured why not go ahead give it a try!)

    Thank you, lovely Heather. <3 There does certainly come a time when you just need to pull yourself up by the bootstraps (or whatever that expression is). Since I'm still feeling crummy, I'm thinking that time is NOW.

    Me too; it always makes me smile. I know just what you mean. Laughter is sometimes the only way we can keep sane.


Silhouettes of a secret. A story told over a cuppa. Or perhaps just sitting on that stone bench, basking in the moonlight... and not saying anything at all.

("I can no other answer make but thanks, and thanks, and ever thanks." -Shakespeare, Twelfth Night)