This year's passions.

I've just finished a glorious week, which was spent alone. Or as close to alone as I'm going to get. My parents and brothers were several states away from April 25--May 5, and since my sister has school and a social life she was in and out. I was actually going to do a post about "living alone", but I don't know - on Friday I was sort of overcome by my intermittent ennui/depression and I suddenly didn't feel like posting anything I had been considering posting.

So, on Friday I started pondering what to post about, for I knew I did want to post. The problem was, I wanted to be positive, but I'm kind of struggling with happy thoughts these days. It doesn't help that my birthday is on the 7th. Tomorrow, that is. I am going to be 19 and that sort of makes me feel sick.
Then I realized... this time last year, four things that are extremely important to me right now, were hardly on my radar, if at all. So this past year--the year I spent being 17--has been, if nothing else, crucial to my inner collection of things that lie extremely close to my heart. I thought, "Why not post about these things?" The answer was a surprisingly excited, "Okay!"

A photo representation of these four things which I am now going to talk about:

(Pictured: Season four of Gilmore Girls; Elizabeth and Her German Garden by Elizabeth von Arnim; a vinyl of Laura Nyro's album Christmas and the Beads of Sweat; and Ant & Dec's autobiography, Ooh! What a Lovely Pair.)

If you are easily bored, now might be a good time to leave. ;)





1. Gilmore Girls

 

 This show originally aired from 2000-2007, but I first started watching it at the end of May last year when I had my wisdom teeth out. By August, my mother and I had finished all seven seasons. (Many props to my sister for convincing me to watch it, even though I was initially reluctant!)

What makes this show so amazing? I don't know. It centers around the close relationship of single mother Lorelai Gilmore and her daughter Rory. Lorelai's banter and Rory's bookwormish-ness makes for two awesome characters. Also, the show is filled with wit, pop-culture references, and most importantly, a quirky cast of characters who are (for the most part) incredibly lovable. This is one of my top five favourite TV shows of all time. (Don't ask what the others are, because I haven't decided yet. :P)

2. Elizabeth von Arnim

Elizabeth von Arnim had been on my list of authors to-read for a while, but my county library had none of her books. They only had a movie adaption of Enchanted April, which I also watched when I had my wisdom teeth out. It was very good, but not as good as the book, which in June I discovered I was able to read on Project Gutenberg. But even better, in September I joined the city library. This library is amazing and has a plethora of old, hard-to-find books. Thanks to my new library, I've read Elizabeth and Her German Garden, The Solitary Summer, and The Adventures of Elizabeth in Rugen.
Elizabeth and Her German Garden is my favourite, but all of them are incredible books. (The library copies were all over 100 years old, too!)

Elizabeth von Arnim is one of my favourite authors now. I don't know what it is about her books I love. They are at least slightly autobiographical, I believe. She loves nature, she dreams and cherishes her solitude, but she is able to laugh at the absurdities in herself and other people. I like to think of her as a kindred spirit.






3. Laura Nyro

A few of you might remember me waxing eloquent about Laura Nyro back in November. She was practically all I listened to in that month. Though I'd know about her for a few years, it was not until this past year I grew to adore her innovative and passionate style of music. I've discovered a lot of great new music this year, but her music has been my most constant and desired accompaniment.






4. Ant and Dec

(They usually stand in alphabetical order, but in this picture it's Dec on the left and Ant on the right.)

Oh, Ant and Dec - my biggest obsession since my Beatlemania started in 2007. Those of you who follow me on tumblr might have noticed I am quite a fan of these two. This infatuation also started in November, when my darling friend Tilly indirectly introduced me to SM:TV Live, a children's show they presented in the 90s with Cat Deeley. (They are quite well known in Britain, but most Americans don't seem to know who they are, unless they watch Britain's Got Talent.)
Though Ant McPartlin and Declan Donnelly mostly just present now, they've done a little of everything in their long careers together.  I, personally, find Ant and Dec hilarious in all they do. This could partially be because they feel like old friends; I love their personalities and the way they interact with each other. Their genuinely close friendship on and off screen is beautiful, and--ridiculous as this may sound--I honestly can't imagine my life without knowing who these two are.


I'm actually really glad I took time to focus on these things. Looking at this makes me think life is pretty great. Sure these things are trivial, but hey - trivial things are important to me. They're what make life bearable, really.

And despite of how I sounded in the beginning of this post, I am not dreading my birthday; I just... am not ready to accept a full year has already passed since I turned 18. I did so little this year. *sigh*

(P.S. As you can see, I've updated my blog layout, so it looks a bit different now. But still essentially the same. I'm not savvy enough [or willing, really] to give it a bigger makeover.)



(First photo by me, of course, Second from here, third, fourth, fifth.)

Nyro November

As Christmas lights twinkle at me from neighbouring windows, I must accept that November's candle has nearly burned to the end.

This is not neccesarily a bad thing, though. I journaled a lot during the month of November and looking back, I realize how bemusing it was...

--We took a day trip down to see our paternal grandparents. It was my first time seeing my grandfather since he's been diagnosed with cancer. [This next bit is copied from my journal] He's undergone half of his treatments and I was shocked... because he looks no different! I would never even suspect he had cancer. I almost feel guilty, because I have been relatively untouched by tragedy & now that it has come... it's a nonentity. So far, that is. I should be giving thanks to God but I'm just sitting here wondering what the catch is. Sad, n'est-ce pas?

--Less importantly, I found out I have "misophonia" which is a form of decreased sound tolerance. From wikipedia: "People who have misophonia are most commonly annoyed, or even enraged, by the sound of other people eating, breathing, coughing, or other ordinary sounds." My whole life makes sense now! Or at least the past couple years do. :P


--On November 21 my "baby" brother had his 13th birthday! I could have sworn he was still 6, I really could've. As often as he drives me crazy, I love that boy so much. This one's for you, love muffin! ;)


--And most shockingly, my older sister has a boyfriend. Her first. Our whole family’s first, really. Let me put this in context: she's never had a boyfriend because her convictions do not include dating for dating's sake or transient relationships. This relationship is a serious one: one with the goal of possible marriage someday.

*excuse me while I scream inside*

I feel... a tumult of emotions. This all came on so fast - I almost feel threatened. My sister and I are close and she's already away so much; I wasn't prepared to lose her to a guy so soon! We all finally met him today. He seems nice and a little bit shy. Still... this is shaking my world. I'll get used to it, though... eventually.
As I've watched this whole thing unfold, (the talking, the texting, the praying, the texting, the texting) all I can think is Aww...! [I don't want this for myself. I don't want this; I don't want this.] Perhaps it's my young age, but the knowledge that I am not expected to stay single my whole life makes me sick. But this is a bewildering topic I could wax on for hours. Let us drop it for now.


November has been strange for me, emotionally speaking. One day I'll feel driven and inspired; I write/bake cookies/paint with my brother; and then the next day all I want to do is crawl into a hole where there are no people and I can cry in peace.
These past couple weeks, I've developed an ennui: the grey, sticky kind that's so hard to wash from the folds of the sky. I thought it was circumstantial, temporary; I thought I could keep it at arm's length until "that time" ended. Apparently not. It's still here.

November has sounded like a Laura Nyro song.


Practically all I listened to the month of November was her album New York Tendaberry, and (starting this past week) Eli and the Thirteenth Confession. On good days and bad, her music remained the only thing I didn't weary of. But those aren't the only reasons why I say November has sounded like one of her songs. Her changing tempos, the soaring flight; then landing; then soaring again of her songs has mirrored the carousel rhythm of my emotions. Except, I lack the passion she sings with; I don't seem to feel anything deeply anymore.

Today in church, though... I felt inspired. I can pull my act together this week, I thought. I can pull my whole life together!
Sitting in church seems to be the place where I make my best (and oft most random) resolves. Sermon-listening doesn't always happen, but that's just how it goes sometimes.

My ennui has not made a peep all day, and I am hoping this week will be better. That is one thing we must always cling to: surely tomorrow will be better. If we didn’t believe that, I’m not sure many of us would choose to wake up ever again.

So, though November has been an altogether bone-rattling month, I face the beginning of my favourite season with careworn hopes dug out from under the bed and grasped in my hands again. I’m not sure they will help, but I need to hold them and try to seek the truth again. I'm tired of being lost.





('The Man Who Sends Me Home' by Laura Nyro. I realize her music is not to everyone's liking, but I think she's pretty darn amazing, so I dinna care.)



{1st picture is text from the book I Am Half-Sick of Shadows by Alan Bradley and the 2nd picture is of Laura Nyro.}