"And it hurts to be here..."

As much as I may wish it, life cannot simply put on hold for those days, weeks, months, (years?) I can't get a grip. I must carry on, all the while feeling that everything is slipping past and my mind is stuffed with cotton. I see everything through a trance, but that trance is godsent, for when it clears that is when the guilt and sadness set in. It always seems to clear at night.


The past month or three, more nights than not have found me lying on my bed, wanting to disappear. Wanting it so hard, it aches.


"And it hurts to be here
I don't want to be here
And it hurts to be here
Tonight..."
-Polly Scattergood, Untitled 27




Though a bad idea, I've done my best to put life on hold, but (unsurprisingly) it's fallen on top of me, and I'm suffocating.
 
It's just gotten really difficult, not knowing what I want, and not having the self-discipline to pull myself together.

I don't know what to say. I have no words.

(And Marjorie, my inner muse, has been giving me the cold shoulder. But since I wasn't even noticing, she decided to give me two stories in one day [really crappy stories, mind] to make me realize that she had essentially deserted me. That vixen!)

My days...

My days have been full of...

Going to the library, and getting more books than I have the time or inclination to read,

cleaning (which is, I confess, enjoyable),

listening to Polly Scattergood,

and trying to beat the record for amount of Byker Grove episodes watched in one day.

(I started watching the show because it features a certain pair [see below] as young 'uns. But I'm really enjoying the show in its own right too. I'm actually kind of obsessed with The Grove and its occupants... The whole series is currently on dailymotion.com, since it's not on DVD, annoyingly enough.)

Actually, Byker Grove is the show Ant and Dec met on!!! And the rest is history...

This past week, I actually thought things were starting to get better.

In some ways, they have. Two certain fab girls have brought so much light and joy to my life recently. Life is beautiful, life is hilarious with them on the other side of the screen. ♥

I want to get out of the place I'm in, but I don't know how. I am so weak. I've never been this weak before, not even when I was harming myself.

I don't know, I just don't know. I am sorry.

(Just know, I love you all. I don't know how I got so lucky to have such wonderful people in my life.)

Perhaps I will post something less pathetic in the week(s) to come.



{First picture is "Jove decadent" by Ramon Casas, and second picture was probably found here.}

This year's passions.

I've just finished a glorious week, which was spent alone. Or as close to alone as I'm going to get. My parents and brothers were several states away from April 25--May 5, and since my sister has school and a social life she was in and out. I was actually going to do a post about "living alone", but I don't know - on Friday I was sort of overcome by my intermittent ennui/depression and I suddenly didn't feel like posting anything I had been considering posting.

So, on Friday I started pondering what to post about, for I knew I did want to post. The problem was, I wanted to be positive, but I'm kind of struggling with happy thoughts these days. It doesn't help that my birthday is on the 7th. Tomorrow, that is. I am going to be 19 and that sort of makes me feel sick.
Then I realized... this time last year, four things that are extremely important to me right now, were hardly on my radar, if at all. So this past year--the year I spent being 17--has been, if nothing else, crucial to my inner collection of things that lie extremely close to my heart. I thought, "Why not post about these things?" The answer was a surprisingly excited, "Okay!"

A photo representation of these four things which I am now going to talk about:

(Pictured: Season four of Gilmore Girls; Elizabeth and Her German Garden by Elizabeth von Arnim; a vinyl of Laura Nyro's album Christmas and the Beads of Sweat; and Ant & Dec's autobiography, Ooh! What a Lovely Pair.)

If you are easily bored, now might be a good time to leave. ;)





1. Gilmore Girls

 

 This show originally aired from 2000-2007, but I first started watching it at the end of May last year when I had my wisdom teeth out. By August, my mother and I had finished all seven seasons. (Many props to my sister for convincing me to watch it, even though I was initially reluctant!)

What makes this show so amazing? I don't know. It centers around the close relationship of single mother Lorelai Gilmore and her daughter Rory. Lorelai's banter and Rory's bookwormish-ness makes for two awesome characters. Also, the show is filled with wit, pop-culture references, and most importantly, a quirky cast of characters who are (for the most part) incredibly lovable. This is one of my top five favourite TV shows of all time. (Don't ask what the others are, because I haven't decided yet. :P)

2. Elizabeth von Arnim

Elizabeth von Arnim had been on my list of authors to-read for a while, but my county library had none of her books. They only had a movie adaption of Enchanted April, which I also watched when I had my wisdom teeth out. It was very good, but not as good as the book, which in June I discovered I was able to read on Project Gutenberg. But even better, in September I joined the city library. This library is amazing and has a plethora of old, hard-to-find books. Thanks to my new library, I've read Elizabeth and Her German Garden, The Solitary Summer, and The Adventures of Elizabeth in Rugen.
Elizabeth and Her German Garden is my favourite, but all of them are incredible books. (The library copies were all over 100 years old, too!)

Elizabeth von Arnim is one of my favourite authors now. I don't know what it is about her books I love. They are at least slightly autobiographical, I believe. She loves nature, she dreams and cherishes her solitude, but she is able to laugh at the absurdities in herself and other people. I like to think of her as a kindred spirit.






3. Laura Nyro

A few of you might remember me waxing eloquent about Laura Nyro back in November. She was practically all I listened to in that month. Though I'd know about her for a few years, it was not until this past year I grew to adore her innovative and passionate style of music. I've discovered a lot of great new music this year, but her music has been my most constant and desired accompaniment.






4. Ant and Dec

(They usually stand in alphabetical order, but in this picture it's Dec on the left and Ant on the right.)

Oh, Ant and Dec - my biggest obsession since my Beatlemania started in 2007. Those of you who follow me on tumblr might have noticed I am quite a fan of these two. This infatuation also started in November, when my darling friend Tilly indirectly introduced me to SM:TV Live, a children's show they presented in the 90s with Cat Deeley. (They are quite well known in Britain, but most Americans don't seem to know who they are, unless they watch Britain's Got Talent.)
Though Ant McPartlin and Declan Donnelly mostly just present now, they've done a little of everything in their long careers together.  I, personally, find Ant and Dec hilarious in all they do. This could partially be because they feel like old friends; I love their personalities and the way they interact with each other. Their genuinely close friendship on and off screen is beautiful, and--ridiculous as this may sound--I honestly can't imagine my life without knowing who these two are.


I'm actually really glad I took time to focus on these things. Looking at this makes me think life is pretty great. Sure these things are trivial, but hey - trivial things are important to me. They're what make life bearable, really.

And despite of how I sounded in the beginning of this post, I am not dreading my birthday; I just... am not ready to accept a full year has already passed since I turned 18. I did so little this year. *sigh*

(P.S. As you can see, I've updated my blog layout, so it looks a bit different now. But still essentially the same. I'm not savvy enough [or willing, really] to give it a bigger makeover.)



(First photo by me, of course, Second from here, third, fourth, fifth.)

a letter to no one and everyone

I Apologise
For I have been distant:
a whisper at the end of the telephone line,
quaffing my bathtub gin in a lonesome fog filled room.

I've been etching letters to you on my arm--
Did you never receive them?
You must remember how I like my tea:
with two lumps of longing
and enough milk to match the clouds in my eyes.

The rumours of my life
have been greatly exaggerated, I fear;
I've not been living for 3 months, at least.
But let us not dwell on that; we should never dwell for long
(but still should take care to not envy the mayflies,
as tempting as it may be).

Constantly, I am at a loss for words,
and so many things make me sad.

My spirit may forever be broken,
but the bones of my fingers are still intact,
still able to play me heart-dirges on this untuned piano.

I am satisfied, really.
(And you may come and listen any time.)

--------------------------------------------------

This piece is a conglomeration of poetic license and my life lately. I think it's mainly for you, my readers. Don't worry - while I am not happy, I'm generally content.

(Huh. I just used the word 'conglomeration' without even thinking about it. Where the heck did I learn that word? It's pretty awesome, I must say. But wherever did I pick it up? Haha.)

Anyway...

Guess what!

My family was gone on Saturday (my sister was with her boyfriend and everyone else was playing/watching baseball), so I had the house to myself. At my mother's suggestion, I found out there is a sound recorder on my father's laptop, so I finally got some recording done!
The recorder is persnickety, though; you can stand in a different room from it and sigh and the recorder will pick it up, but it doesn't like full and loud sounds... like the piano. It records all tinny and icky, so I had to use my keyboard. On my keyboard there's setting that records the notes you play on the keyboard, so what I did was record the song and then play it back while singing to it. Kind of a pain, though it was nice to only have the possibility of messing up one thing at a time.

So, here is my version of the song 'Tea & Sympathy' by Janis Ian. *insert self-deprecation here*



The lyrics: [There's a second verse I skipped, because I didn't want to make the song too long.]

I don't want to ride the milk train anymore
I'll go to bed at nine and waken with the dawn
And lunch at half past noon and dinner prompt at five
The comfort of a few old friends long past their prime

Pass the tea and sympathy for the good old days long gone
We'll drink a toast to those who most believe in what they've won
It's a long, long time 'til morning plays wasted on the dawn
And I'll not write another line, for my true love is gone

When I have no dreams to give you anymore
I'll light a blazing fire and stand within the door
And throw my life away, "I wonder why?" they all will say
And now I lay me down to sleep, forever and a day

Pass the tea and sympathy, for the good old days are dead
Let's drink a toast to those who best survived the life they've led
It's a long, long time 'til morning, so build your fires high
Now I lay me down to sleep, forever by your side

(If the soundcloud player doesn't work for you, you can try listening to it on divshare here.)



I hope everyone had a lovely Easter. :)