Sunday, November 27, 2011

Nyro November

As Christmas lights twinkle at me from neighbouring windows, I must accept that November's candle has nearly burned to the end.

This is not neccesarily a bad thing, though. I journaled a lot during the month of November and looking back, I realize how bemusing it was...

--We took a day trip down to see our paternal grandparents. It was my first time seeing my grandfather since he's been diagnosed with cancer. [This next bit is copied from my journal] He's undergone half of his treatments and I was shocked... because he looks no different! I would never even suspect he had cancer. I almost feel guilty, because I have been relatively untouched by tragedy & now that it has come... it's a nonentity. So far, that is. I should be giving thanks to God but I'm just sitting here wondering what the catch is. Sad, n'est-ce pas?

--Less importantly, I found out I have "misophonia" which is a form of decreased sound tolerance. From wikipedia: "People who have misophonia are most commonly annoyed, or even enraged, by the sound of other people eating, breathing, coughing, or other ordinary sounds." My whole life makes sense now! Or at least the past couple years do. :P

--On November 21 my "baby" brother had his 13th birthday! I could have sworn he was still 6, I really could've. As often as he drives me crazy, I love that boy so much. This one's for you, love muffin! ;)

--And most shockingly, my older sister has a boyfriend. Her first. Our whole family’s first, really. Let me put this in context: she's never had a boyfriend because her convictions do not include dating for dating's sake or transient relationships. This relationship is a serious one: one with the goal of possible marriage someday.

*excuse me while I scream inside*

I feel... a tumult of emotions. This all came on so fast - I almost feel threatened. My sister and I are close and she's already away so much; I wasn't prepared to lose her to a guy so soon! We all finally met him today. He seems nice and a little bit shy. Still... this is shaking my world. I'll get used to it, though... eventually.
As I've watched this whole thing unfold, (the talking, the texting, the praying, the texting, the texting) all I can think is Aww...! [I don't want this for myself. I don't want this; I don't want this.] Perhaps it's my young age, but the knowledge that I am not expected to stay single my whole life makes me sick. But this is a bewildering topic I could wax on for hours. Let us drop it for now.

November has been strange for me, emotionally speaking. One day I'll feel driven and inspired; I write/bake cookies/paint with my brother; and then the next day all I want to do is crawl into a hole where there are no people and I can cry in peace.
These past couple weeks, I've developed an ennui: the grey, sticky kind that's so hard to wash from the folds of the sky. I thought it was circumstantial, temporary; I thought I could keep it at arm's length until "that time" ended. Apparently not. It's still here.

November has sounded like a Laura Nyro song.

Practically all I listened to the month of November was her album New York Tendaberry, and (starting this past week) Eli and the Thirteenth Confession. On good days and bad, her music remained the only thing I didn't weary of. But those aren't the only reasons why I say November has sounded like one of her songs. Her changing tempos, the soaring flight; then landing; then soaring again of her songs has mirrored the carousel rhythm of my emotions. Except, I lack the passion she sings with; I don't seem to feel anything deeply anymore.

Today in church, though... I felt inspired. I can pull my act together this week, I thought. I can pull my whole life together!
Sitting in church seems to be the place where I make my best (and oft most random) resolves. Sermon-listening doesn't always happen, but that's just how it goes sometimes.

My ennui has not made a peep all day, and I am hoping this week will be better. That is one thing we must always cling to: surely tomorrow will be better. If we didn’t believe that, I’m not sure many of us would choose to wake up ever again.

So, though November has been an altogether bone-rattling month, I face the beginning of my favourite season with careworn hopes dug out from under the bed and grasped in my hands again. I’m not sure they will help, but I need to hold them and try to seek the truth again. I'm tired of being lost.

('The Man Who Sends Me Home' by Laura Nyro. I realize her music is not to everyone's liking, but I think she's pretty darn amazing, so I dinna care.)

{1st picture is text from the book I Am Half-Sick of Shadows by Alan Bradley and the 2nd picture is of Laura Nyro.}


  1. I remember when my sister got married and moved out. I sympathise, dear. I really do. I know how hard it is to fill in that sister-shaped hole in the household. Don't worry, the future holds many possibilities, and there's nothing written in stone that says you will have to marry one day, if you don't want to. I hope December will be gentler to you. Sometimes, music is the only thing that feels solid, when the real world swoops past and you can't keep a grip on anything else.

  2. Thank you, B, for your words of empathy; I do appreciate them. :)
    That is true, but I sometimes cannot help but feel it's unavoidable. (I mean, no one ever tells you when you're a kid that you might end up alone!) I'll just have to wait and see, and try to live my life to the fullest, regardless of what happens. :)
    Thank you, dear - I hope so too. And yes it is, indeed. I am eternally grateful for the solidity of music.

  3. Do you look like Laura Nyro? At first I thought it was a picture of you because that's exactly how I imagine you.
    I sympathize, about your sister...I still can't believe my own Michaela is getting married next year. She didn't casually date either, actually.
    I shall pray for your grandfather.
    And for you as well--keep holding on to those hopes. ;)
    P.S. "Unmarried" does not always mean "alone". You'll figure it out when the time comes.

  4. Come to think of it, we do have some common features! So, I guess I do resemble her slightly. Especially in that picture. :)

    Oh, yes! Your sister is getting married – I remember that! Ooh, non-casual dating FTW!

    Thank you, Jenica. Your prayers are really appreciated.

    Yes, I know alone doesn't necessarily mean unmarried. (Especially if you're not old-fashioned like me. :P) My dearest friend and I have always said we would live together someday and be spinsters. But she's so amazing I can’t imagine some man not wanting to marry her, haha.

  5. Hi Melee, I read this post twice because I love it so much... You always choose the best words and scenes to illustrate your thoughts & emotions.

    Can't believe November is nearly over! I've been up and down, too, and keep myself grounded by the realization that moods are not permanent.

    I like how you've felt inspired in church... I've been getting that feeling through morning prayer in my solitude :)

    By the way, I'm almost done with A White Bird Flying and the author's style reminds me very much of your writing style. It is an excellent book!

  6. Darling Jade, you are so sweet and thoughtful. I couldn't say thank you enough. <3

    It's insane! I hope December's pace is much slower. That's the thought that keeps me grounded too.

    Apparently being in the present of God is all-around inspiring! (Not just in the way people usually mean it.) :)

    I am so glad! Oh, it makes me really happy that you said that; when reading Bess Streeter Aldrich's books, I've often felt she was a great influence on my own writing. It is really quite gratifying to know it's not my imagination. :)

  7. Ohh i do hope your grandfather gets better soon! Its so sweet you're so close to your sister too O_O i'm sure once you see she's happy with her new boyfriend you'll feel better about their relationship <3

    Your words are always lovely Melee! My brain is foggy so i wont say much more as im afraid i become slightly incoherant when im sleepy! (this comment is most likely riddled with mistakes!) I hope you start to feel more balanced emotions-wise soon xxxxx

  8. My November has also been rather grey and deteriorating. I can only hope that I am only lost for now, and pretty soon I'll understand how to navigate the wilderness of this forest (one day). I know you too shall create your own path through the bush, things will get better and the sun will soon slant through the branches <3

  9. Tilly: Thank you, dear. I think you're right since I did feel a little bit better after finally meeting him; now we just have to convince her to bring him home more... :)

    Awww, thanks so much! Hehe, I never trust my sleepy brain either. I understood everything you said perfectly, and that's really all that matters, heh. <3

    Jhordyn: Oh, I'm sorry your November has been similarly grey and such, sweetling. Thank you, dearheart. I hope the right path soon makes itself more than evident to you. <3

  10. Dearest Melee, thank you for expressing interest in the magazine. I will tell you more about it (including how to submit) when I have finished the website, probably in a few weeks.

  11. Thank you for letting me know; I am greatly anticipating it! I hope all goes well with its set up. :)

  12. The note about your grandfather makes me sad and makes me think of my lolo too. I hope he gets/feels better soon. (And hugs to you!)

    And now I know what you meant about time. I feel the exact same way. It seems everyone is moving on, taking steps - forward or backward, and I'm the only one that's standing silently still.

    I'm just too glad November is over.

    p.s. I'm sorry for this comment, Melee. I've read this post for so many times and couldn't find the right words to say. I feel so detached from reality and from every one else. I hope you are well. And yes, tomorrow it will be alright!


  13. Thank you, dear. I hope your lolo is alright too!

    Yes, that is just where I am too. I'm sure one day we will not be so stationary... We can hope!

    Oh, don't worry about it, haze - I know just how it is to not be able to find the right words and to be so detached from reality. But your comment was perfectly lovely. I just love hearing from you. <3

  14. Sweet thing, my lolo is in heaven now. And I know he is perfectly well.


  15. OOH. Right! Sorry - that's what I thought, but I wasn't absolutely positive and didn't want to assume. Well then, I know he is perfectly well and shining down on you now. :)

  16. Your blog is beautiful - Far more golden than rubbish - My November has been similar, so I just wander or sleep. Sometimes, life asks us to rest or wait. Sometimes we must ramble before we roam - let December sooth you

    sending you happy spells

  17. Awww, amy - thank you so much for your lovely and generous words. That is beautifully insightful! I think you're right.
    I hope your December soothes and brings happy spells as well. :)

  18. Woah, lovey post! I liked reading from your journal entries. I almost gasped out loud when I read about misophonia! My Dad totally has that. We'll be eating dinner, and he'll get upset if we're crunching on potato chips or hard candy. We always thought it was just him, but it's really cool to know that there is a name for it, you know? Woah.

    As for your sister, I can totally understand. My brother still isn't dating anyone at present, but I've felt similarly in regards to my friends dating. It's often strange, and unsettling sometimes, but it sounds like he's a nice guy and I'm sure you'll get used to it very soon. I'm pretty happy being on my own right now, since I'm stuffed with work, but I'm still waiting for that romantic opportunity sometime :) It sure would be nice to go out for tea or hold hands when going for a walk. Ahhh, boyfriends, haha. (I sound like I'm talking in riddles, haha).

  19. Thank you, Kim! I know, right? That was basically my reaction when I first heard about it! And how funny! Your dad and I should get together some time for a very quiet meal. ;)

    He's going to be a round a bit more during Christmas break, so I'll probably get more used to him. I really hope I'm more used to this by the time my brothers are old enough to start!
    Aww, I hope someday you do find a nice (and interesting, of course) man to drink tea and holds hands with. And at the same time, if need be! ;)


Silhouettes of a secret. A story told over a cuppa. Or perhaps just sitting on that stone bench, basking in the moonlight... and not saying anything at all.

("I can no other answer make but thanks, and thanks, and ever thanks." -Shakespeare, Twelfth Night)