Saturday, June 2, 2012

"And it hurts to be here..."

As much as I may wish it, life cannot simply put on hold for those days, weeks, months, (years?) I can't get a grip. I must carry on, all the while feeling that everything is slipping past and my mind is stuffed with cotton. I see everything through a trance, but that trance is godsent, for when it clears that is when the guilt and sadness set in. It always seems to clear at night.

The past month or three, more nights than not have found me lying on my bed, wanting to disappear. Wanting it so hard, it aches.

"And it hurts to be here
I don't want to be here
And it hurts to be here

-Polly Scattergood, Untitled 27

Though a bad idea, I've done my best to put life on hold, but (unsurprisingly) it's fallen on top of me, and I'm suffocating.
It's just gotten really difficult, not knowing what I want, and not having the self-discipline to pull myself together.

I don't know what to say. I have no words.

(And Marjorie, my inner muse, has been giving me the cold shoulder. But since I wasn't even noticing, she decided to give me two stories in one day [really crappy stories, mind] to make me realize that she had essentially deserted me. That vixen!)

My days...

My days have been full of...

Going to the library, and getting more books than I have the time or inclination to read,

cleaning (which is, I confess, enjoyable),

listening to Polly Scattergood,

and trying to beat the record for amount of Byker Grove episodes watched in one day.

(I started watching the show because it features a certain pair [see below] as young 'uns. But I'm really enjoying the show in its own right too. I'm actually kind of obsessed with The Grove and its occupants... The whole series is currently on, since it's not on DVD, annoyingly enough.)

Actually, Byker Grove is the show Ant and Dec met on!!! And the rest is history...

This past week, I actually thought things were starting to get better.

In some ways, they have. Two certain fab girls have brought so much light and joy to my life recently. Life is beautiful, life is hilarious with them on the other side of the screen. ♥

I want to get out of the place I'm in, but I don't know how. I am so weak. I've never been this weak before, not even when I was harming myself.

I don't know, I just don't know. I am sorry.

(Just know, I love you all. I don't know how I got so lucky to have such wonderful people in my life.)

Perhaps I will post something less pathetic in the week(s) to come.

{First picture is "Jove decadent" by Ramon Casas, and second picture was probably found here.}


  1. Ohhhh my friend :( you have no idea how sad this has made me :(

    Why are you feeling so low? Uhhh, i know it is very easy for me sit behind my cosy comfy computer screen and dole out useless advice but i think the only thing i can suggest is to try and surround yourself with as many great people as you can. Also try and make a point of getting out of your own head, if you know what i mean? I find if im alone for too long and boxed up in the house then i lose sight of reality slightly (if that makes sense?!) and i find myself shying away from social situations which is crazy cos i have a great many people in my life to make me smile and laugh and inspire me no end, and im sure you do too!(just last night i was feeling a little lost and and down and maybe a little teen-emo kid bluuu *vomit* but then i went out with some of my bestest of friends and forgot all my silly problems!)

    I think sometimes it's oh so easy to get lost in books or music or tv and think 'uhh why isnt my life like this?' but real life >>>>> fiction every time!!!

    Im sorry if this is a jumbled mess :( i have not much experience in the relms of depression (although if you ever meet me after a break up i am a hot globby mess) so this is probably all very shitty words to you! I hope you start feeling better soon though! A million hugs from across the globe <3 <3

    PS you are ADDICTED my friend !!! I dont think ive ever met anyone so in love with ant and dec! And youre not even british! I cannot believe you've dug up 'byker byker groveeee huhuhuhu' the opening to that has stuck in my head even though i've not seen it in centuries O_O

    Final thing- YES to alan partridge! He is a brit comedy great <3 <3 xxxx

    1. ps get twitter!!! I will attempt to cheer you up on there by tweeting you pictures of me pulling funny faces and also links to family guy clips on youtube! I am a good friend non? hehxxx

    2. Aww, Tilly. ♥

      There is no short or definite answer to why I'm feeling so low. The past couple of years have been hard, and I think it's all culminating now. Plus it's been a year since I graduated high school and I still have no direction, but I don't under any circumstances want to go to college. I'm sick of life, and I've not even lived.

      I am too alone, it's true. I'm incredibly bad at having a social life. I only have a couple close friends in real life. Maybe I should try to organize something with them soon...
      As I mentioned, two [online] friends have been making me feel better lately, so there is that. :)

      I am terribly guilty of preferring fictional worlds to my own. I'm still not convinced that real life is better. ;)

      I do appreciate your words, Tilly. Thank you. A million hugs across the world to you too! ♥ ♥

      P.S. I KNOW I AM! :D I have met people more addicted than me, but I am pretty up there. Oh, I want to be British, though! What can I say? I will watch anything that has Ant & Dec, heh. Byker byker! GROVEEEEE.

      P.P.S. I shall have to look into him, then!!!

      P.P.P.S. Oh man! That makes me want to get a twitter! More so, even, than the possibility of following Ant & Dec! ;) IT'S SO TEMPTING, but at the moment I can't justify getting a twitter. You are a good friend, though. xxxxxxxxxxxx

    3. Ohhh i see i see. Finding ones 'calling' is a hard concept. Especially as there is so much pressure these days to find a career and a 'path' to take in life, when for some people this isnt the best option. Many of my friends are extraordinarily talented people in art and music, who havent chosen 'conventional' paths in life and are happier ten fold for it! Why dont you try your hand at volunteering or maybe find a job for now, even if it's not something you necessirly can see yourself doing in the future, but i think it will maybe give you some direction and also it's such a great way to meet new people! I know i would be completely lost without my job to keep me sane, haha but then again i am a pressure/challenge freak and i cannot sit still to save my life >_< hehe.

      It may sound silly but go out there and live life! Drink, dance all night, travel, don't be scared to put yourself out there :D :D honestly life is a glorious thing! Don't write it off yet!

      ps twitter is honestly a wonderful thing! You can lock your account too so no prying eyes can see your thoughts and feelings! xxxx

    4. I hope in the long run, I will be happier by not taking a conventional path, but the interim is killing me. Actually, I do volunteer! Only once a week, but it's something. I do need to get more steady work... even though jobs scare me. O_O

      I don't know how to live it up. I'm too buttoned-up. XD I won't write life off just yet. :)

      P.S. I have another friend trying to entice me onto twitter, so we shall see. I am thinking about it. :) xxxx

    5. Haha why do jobs scare you?!

      Oui oui! Live it uppp. Honestly go out clubbing, meet new guys and gals, drink lots of beer, kiss everyone and anyone! Go wild! Hehe. xx

    6. Because I hate talking to people. I do alright in conversations, I can behave normally - I just really dislike it. Mostly when it's strangers.

      Considering I'm still underage here, I don't know how well that would work... ;) How about I go join a reading club at the library, or something? XD xxx

    7. Jobs are a great way of getting independance and it will definetly give you more self-confidence and get you out of the house.

      Haha underagesmage. Maybe it's different over here?! (or maybe I was a teen rebel?) What my point is is that you should go out more, go partying, meet new people. (or come to england and me and my partying pals will take you out dancing all night!)

      ps are you tweeting yet? My twitter is hereee if so :D!/mathildagrace1

    8. *sigh* I know. I've managed to avoid having one so far, but it's inevitable, of course.

      It is different over there. Here you can't buy alcohol till you're 21, and it's like 18 in Britain? I know my German friend was drinking at 16; and while American teenagers do that, it's not done very publicly because it's illegal, I guess. I come from a family of teetotalers, basically, so I've not looked into it much. ;) I'm not much of a dancer, but I will GLADLY come to England and partay with you and your friends! Now I just need to go rob a bank or something to get money for an airplane ticket. ;)

      Ahh, I'm not - I've decided to not get one at the moment because I've really been struggling with being distracted by the internet and I don't think it's a good idea at this time to join. But I am not saying never by any means! Someday I may randomly pop up on there and you will be one of the first people I follow. :)

  2. Melee--I'm not good at expressing myself in comments, but I want to let you know you've been in my thoughts (and prayers). Last year was hard for me as well. I'm in no place to give advice or lecture, but I hope you won't think about wanting to disappear. Music is so powerful, and it's a wonderful thing to find an artist to relate to, but when the lyrics are sad it can become too much of a harsh reminder...

    1. Oh Marian, you're great. You are an encouragement, and I appreciate your thoughts and prayers. I don't want to want to disappear, but the feeling has been there for a while now, and I can't shake it. I actually listen to more happy music, than I do sad these days. Polly's has just been the one album that consistently pops up in my currently playing, because it's my new favourite album. If I feel it is doing me harm, I will stop listening, don't worry. :)

  3. Aww Melee, it makes me sad to hear this! :( but I know how life can be sometimes - confusing, and lackluster, but please don't harm yourself. Try surrounding yourself with people who make you happy, and who you love. If you ever need to talk, feel free to email me! <3 Thinking of you, xxx

    1. Joanna, my sweet - thank you for your caring words. Oh, don't worry - I won't harm myself anymore; I haven't in a year. I will try to keep those I love close by, but I know I also need to confront myself, for that's where the problem lies. Thank you, thank you - it's good to know you're there. xxxx

  4. I know what it's like to feel this way at night. The thoughts turn over in your mind, and all you feel you can do is react to them. Sometimes there is no perfect solution or escape, but to, throughout the day, as best as you can, cultivate peace & joy through the ones you love & the things you love. You're often in my prayers and thoughts <3

    Yesterday I was feeling down and anxious so I kept my pocket rosary in my hand as often as I felt necessary for remembering God, and I scattered silent prayers throughout my day. It helped for longer than I thought, to stay quiet, calm, and to enjoy myself, even if it wasn't perfect. It's always a practice.

    These words help me. They are from a recording I have.

    It rained gently outside.
    It rained gently outside.
    I hear my heart sobbing.
    Go to sleep my little pain.
    Go to sleep my little despair.
    So that I can breathe in and out.
    I can sow my seed of in breath, calming, out breath, releasing.
    In breath, calming, out breath, smiling.
    Go to sleep my little pain.
    Go to sleep my little pain.
    So that tomorrow, you will be transformed.
    I continue to sow the seed of understanding and love.
    I continue to sow the seed of understanding and love.
    So that tomorrow, my little pain, my little despair, will be transformed, and we can love each other."

    ~From the songs of Sister Chang
    Love you! <3

    1. Thank you for your comment, thoughtful and wise Jade. You are very dear to me. xx

      That sounds so comforting. I've grown so distant from prayer, from God.

      Those are beautiful, hopeful words. Thank you for sharing them.

      I love you too! ♥

  5. 'and it hurts to be here'

    more hugs******

    life can be really silly at times, my friend. i hope you'll feel better soon. i know how it is to be weak, i feel it all the time. (secret: i'm just too scared to admit it these days...)

    love you, melee.
    tighter hugs*********

    1. haze, my lovely girl. *hugs you tighter and tighter*

      Thank you, my sweet - I hope you feel honest-to-goodness better too. Wouldn't it be nice to be strong? *sigh*

      I love you. ♥ ♥

  6. I feel like copying and pasting your entire post- along with the gorgeous picture- but I shall limit myself to the part that spoke to me the loudest:

    not knowing what I want, and not having the self-discipline to pull myself together.


    One Who Knows

    1. I'm all too familiar with the desire to copy and paste someone's post into their comment box with an arrow pointing at it that says "THIS". :) Thank you for your solidarity, wise wanderer. xx

  7. I know what you mean about life toppling over; I think summer tends to breed the idea that we can pause our lives for a few months, you know? Especially when it comes to still being in school. Some days feel like a dream, where I'm getting nothing done and am somehow okay with that, but it's not good. I try to be as productive as I can, haha.

    Darn your muse! (Oooh, I didn't know she had a name!). It's annoying when they tease stories at you - every time. But I guess the more you connect with her, the more she'll eventually share something with you that will be a pleasure to write down ;)

    1. It does! And I'm sort of living in an eternal summer of the mind. >_< You seem like a very productive person, Kim! Especially when it comes to writing. I really admire that, because my self-discipline in that area stinks.

      Hehe, yep - she's got a name and the ghost of a face in my mind. Maybe I can coax her to give me a story with some metaphysical chocolate or something. ;)

  8. Oh, dearie. You sound like me of one year ago. For years I had been wandering, crying behind my closed door, behind a moue of busyness. I plunged on, into life, into more busyness, scary eyes searching for a place to rest and a place to call home.
    God was not far away. He was not chasing me with a stick. He cried with me, for me; when others told me "God cares" I think they have no clue how much He does. Then again I would be disconnected from life. I would see it going on but had no feeling of being a part of the world. I got no rest; when I did sleep I was under my bed or on my knees.
    The last two weeks before my friends got help for me, I only came out of my house at night. I spoke to no one; I had great difficulty listening. My personality was gone, I felt like a skeleton must feel. I painted. I danced. I took a black permanent marker and transformed my face with black tears.
    If will power or self discipline could cure a person, I would have been cured. My answers have not come from changing my thought pattern or surrounding myself with happy things. I did that; I had that; I had God; but my mind was skipping, dancing, off to a world others could not see.
    I said a lot here. The part I want you to know is, you remind me of me. And, be kind to yourself: fret not.
    I ponder whether to send this. Here it goes.

    1. I'm glad you did decide to send this message. :) Thank you for your heartfelt and heartening words. It sounds like you've had to fight many battles, but it looks as if you're winning/have won the war, so to speak. I've truly appreciated hearing from you, sweet Della. I will try to be kind to myself and not fret. I wish you the loveliest of weekends. xx

  9. I don't know if I could ever have the right words, never having been where you are, but...I'm praying for you. Maybe if you could talk to someone, really talk, that could help...especially if you weren't separated by the horrid distance of a screen. I love you xx
    p.s. Muses are so capricious. I find my own usually shows up in unexpected places, when I'm not really looking for her at all.

    1. Oh, thank you, Jenica - I appreciate your prayers. I don't know. I talked to my mother a few weeks ago, but it made me feel worse. I may try again now that's she's no busy, but it's just hard to find the words. I love you too. xxx

      That's muses for you! They're minxes, the whole lot of 'em!

  10. Melee.

    I've been thinking about you. I have read some of your older posts.

    You are beautiful. You are the contemporary Bronte/Dickinson/Austen. You write like I can only dream to write. You are brave.


    About the way you are feeling. Like I said earlier, you have written exactly my feelings, or lack or feeling. I feel close to your spirit. I have felt what you feel.

    My best advice is: get adrenal treatment. Your cortisol is keeping you from resting and renewing body and soul. I did not know this, and I nearly passed the point of no return.

    High cortisol at night will make your mind run endlessly and keep you from resting. Over time, lack of proper rest will fog up your mind and your life, and spread apathy over the activities you once prized.

    You can get a test kit from Neuroscience if you are interested.

    1. I could never convey to you what warm and pleasantly astonished feelings enveloped me when I read your sweet comment. Thank you, thank you.

      Oh, that's interesting! Thank you for the information, I will certainly look into that and see if it's something I should pursue.

      Thank you for dropping by again. You are very dear, Della. xx


Silhouettes of a secret. A story told over a cuppa. Or perhaps just sitting on that stone bench, basking in the moonlight... and not saying anything at all.

("I can no other answer make but thanks, and thanks, and ever thanks." -Shakespeare, Twelfth Night)