Saturday, May 7, 2011

and the years keep coming...

I am 18 today.
It has been a lovely day; low-key and quiet. And I am happy to have reached this milestone birthday.
But these past few days there has been an apprehension and fear: this year I will not change. For the better, that is.

If I could write a letter to the myself of a year ago and tell her about the upcoming year, what would I say? I have been pondering this. There are just... no words. Myself a year ago could never understand the me of today. This past year I have done things I never thought I was capable of. They weren't good things either.
I have come out of this year scarred {literally} but I don't know if I'm any stronger. I am still so weak and that frightens me.
Last night, I sought heartease in God's word and found the peace I needed. We have been given such hope. And isn't that a beautiful thing to have at the bottom of the Pandora's box we call life? If I keep my eyes heavenward this year will be different; I will be changed for the better.

Also, this year has not been all bad! On the contrary, there have been many bright moments to offset the dark ones.
I'd just like to thank you, dear readers, for bringing so many bright moments my way this year. You all never fail to bring smiles to my face with your comments and you fill my heart with the beautiful words you write. I love you all so much!

I don't feel 18 in the least, I could've sworn I was still 12. The song 'I Won't Grow Up' from the musical Peter Pan used to be my theme song. Now I no longer fight the years that are slowly accumulating around my feet and piling up to my shins, but concentrate on keeping my heart young. To me, being young at heart means you know how to behave like an adult and do... but can morph into your inner child at the snap of a finger.

And yes, that definitely entails wearing train conductor hats if one pleases. ;)

{This hat used to be at my grandmother's house and somehow it ended up at our house during the move. I found it the other day and adopted it. I figured it was appropriate since I am the "train conductor" of the "midnight train of thought". Hehe. :P}


  1. Happy birthday, Melee! :) Love your hat.

    And you're so right; all the hope a person needs can be found in prayer and God's Word. :)

  2. Oh, happy birthday darling! I know what you mean about still feeling 12 - I'm turning 19 in just over a month & the thought that after that I shall soon be TWENTY is petrifying. Doesn't do thinking about, really! xx

  3. Happy Birthday, Melee!
    :) :) Blessings for your new year.
    God's word does bring a peace like no other.

  4. Happy Birthday Melee!!! I hope you had a wonderful day, and that it was everything you hoped for :)

    Also thank you for your comment :) It means a lot to have someone I can talk to who won't judge :) One of these days I might just take up your offer and send you a email! :)

  5. happy birthday melee
    i love : 'Myself a year ago could never understand the me of today.'
    that just sums it up.
    have a great year

  6. Happy birthday lovely!
    I was at my minister's 60th birthday party last night, she said she still felt 20. Young at heart and wise in years. That's the best way to be.

  7. Well, happy birthday! I turned 17 exactly a week before you turned 18, coincidentally. I don't feel that old...gosh...we're a pair of perfect grandmas, aren't we? Haha just kidding. I know what you mean about "young at heart". I hope I never have an old heart. Well, I toast to our coming year. :)
    p.s. I love what you said about Pandora's box.

  8. Marian: Hehe, thank you!
    I am so thankful for that.

    holly and the wolves: Thank you, dear! These increasing years are so unsettling, aren't they? My sister shall be 20 in almost a week's time and that's enough to nearly put me over the edge!

    Jade: Thank you very much. It does, indeed. <3

    P.s. I Am Me: Thank you so much. My day was wonderful. :)

    You are more than welcome, dear. No pressure at all, my ears are open if you ever need them. :)

    Lilah: Thank you so much, darling. <3

    Heather: Thank you! <3 It is indeed! I hope to still feel young at heart when I am 60 or 90, even. :)

    Jenica: Thank you! And happy belated birthday to you! Hahaha, I do feel kind of like a grandma. ;) I'll toast to that! *raises glass*

  9. Aww! belated hepi birthday Melee love! i wish i could send you my heart to let you see you're name in there.

    p.s. i love your hair so much! the waves and the color! argh! so lovely <3

  10. belated happy birthday!
    you are such a wonderful soul! (and all change is good, even the one which makes you feel sad or uncertain)
    lots of love <3

  11. haze: Awww, thank you, dearest! That is such a sweet thing to say! <3

    Hehe, thanks! My hair is my favourite thing about myself. Even though it's terribly moody.

    E: Thank you so much, dear! I guess you're right; change is better than stagnating and even good comes out of seemingly bad change! <3

  12. Happy Belated Birthday my most beloved Melee! Crumbs. The big One Eight, eh? That must be very scary/exciting. You're such a dear, talented, wonderful girl, and I truly wish you all the best for the rest of the year and forever.

  13. Aye, the big One Eight! Tis definitely both exhilirating and exciting. :) You are an absolute dear, Minna. I do love you. Thank you for your day-brightening comment. <3

  14. Happy birthday! Wow, eighteen is a big year. It's funny how you don't quite feel any different on the big day - I always wonder how I should feel and then try to figure out if it's a good thing or not, haha.

    I love your train conductor hat! And I love the fact that it ties in with your blog title as well. Who knew :D Yes, keep wearing your conductor hat - it looks great.

    I agree with you that the most important thing to do is to stay young at heart. I think there are a lot of benefits to that. If I didn't stay that way, I can't imagine being a writer :) For a good song, I suggest Joy William's "Up Means Down." It sort of reflects the not growing up message, but I think it's a catchy, fun song anyway :D

  15. Thank you so much, dahling Kim! I'm so delighted you like my hat. :) Wouldn't it be very strange if we woke up on our birthday's feeling radically different? Now that I think about, I am glad I never feel any different... otherwise I might come to dread birthdays! :)

    Aww, I liked the song! It was so cute and perky. That was the first solo Joy Williams song I've heard... but I'm a fan of The Civil Wars which she makes up half of.


Silhouettes of a secret. A story told over a cuppa. Or perhaps just sitting on that stone bench, basking in the moonlight... and not saying anything at all.

("I can no other answer make but thanks, and thanks, and ever thanks." -Shakespeare, Twelfth Night)