Thursday, March 14, 2013


"...I have not written anything to-day worth a sou. I have passed the day in a kind of idleness. Why? Does it take so long to begin again? Is it my old weakness of will? Oh, I must not yield! I must this evening, after my supper, get something done. It's not so terribly hard after all. And how shall I live my good life if I am content to pass even one day in idleness? It won't do. Control -- of all kinds. How easy it is to lack control in little things! And once one does lack it the small bad habits--tiny perhaps--spring up like weeds and choke one's will."

-The Journal of Katherine Mansfield

Ah, Katherine. Indeed. I've got quite the garden full of weeds. What is my excuse? I'm not even battling a fatal illness.

I lack control in several areas of my life. But I've been trying to work on it. I've been taking walks almost every day (which is a habit I lost over the summer and never regained and consequently gained quite a few pounds). When I make to-do lists, I actually try and accomplish everything on them. I try to be more organized. (My organization probably looks like chaos to truly organized people, but shhh...)

And... hm, I don't really know specifically. I'm just trying to choke all these tiny weeds I've let grow.

It's been a while since I've last posted. Not much has happened. Let's see... um, I've watched a lot of movies, atypically enough. (Usually I just watch TV shows or British youtubers.) That's really the only interesting thing I've done. Oh, and I got to be a dental assistant for like two hours the other week. (Funny things can happen whilst volunteering at a medical clinic...)

I've been happier at work, lately. (Work as in my cleaning job, not volunteering.) My hours have lessened greatly and I haven't been to the grocery store in a month. (By myself, that is. I've been shopping with my mother, though. It snowed the other week and we walked to the grocery store, which was hilarious. But that's another story.)

Also, in the time I've been away my sister has gotten engaged. She's getting married in May. I've a myriad of feelings about that, to be sure. Quite stereotypical ones. I won't bother writing about them. Plus, it doesn't feel real. Very little does, though.

I feel lost and irrelevant in my life. I've forgotten so much. I don't even know exactly what I mean by this, I just feel it's true.

Maybe it's just the arsenic of winter building up in my veins.

I want to write again.

I mean, I still write, but the magic isn't there. I read things I've written in the past, and I am amazed. I don't remember writing these words; I don't know how I came up with these sentences that show promise of talent.

You can tell me I still have the talent, but I won't believe you

 "I didn't care that I wasn't writing because I didn't care about anything. That was similar to what I'd felt during various depressions -- words always out of reach. Words on a shelf too high for my lazy, faithless arms; words blurred and smeared around the sides of the errant crucible that was my mind; words a thing I had been smitten with now betraying me with their dullness."

-Frances & Bernard by Carlene Bauer

I need to stop hiding my words. It wasn't done on purpose, but I haven't shared a legitimate piece of writing since summer. I hope next time I post I'll have a piece of writing to share. And I hope my next post isn't almost 4 months in the making.

{Picture is by and of me. It's from an incredibly old "photoshoot" that has already popped up a couple times on this blog over the years. It's just the best picture I could find to convey the words "lost and irrelevant".}


  1. This post has given me some magical motivation, whether or not that was your intention. ;) I really like that quote from Katherine Mansfield's journal. I think I like her short stories, too, but haven't read enough of them to declare it.

    Good for you with your consistency, walks, and to-do lists! And I'm with you on not having much written that I want to share. Keep writing; the words you've been waiting for are coming. I can feel it. :) (/psychic premonition)

    1. Hey, that's great! Especially since I always feel my posts end up being downers.
      You liked "The Garden Party", right? If you like that one, you're sure to like the rest of her stories. Though "The Garden Party" remains my favourite, I think. (But I've only read a collection of her stories, so I'm hardly an expert.)

      Thank you! Ooh, I didn't know you were a psychic. ;) I will keep writing; thank you for the encouragement. :) I hope that if there are any words you are waiting on, that they come for you too.

  2. we all seem to be hit with a writing low/lull lately. I am with you on even when I write, the "magic" is not there. But I also read somewhere that it's important to keep going, as the writing (habit) itself can bring it back. Here's to wishing!

    1. Everyone does seem to be hit with this problem! I'm sorry to hear you have not escaped either. I will certainly keep going and hope for the best, then! I hope we can both rediscover the magic. Here's to wishing, indeed! :)

  3. Pulling weeds is such a good practice though. I myself have been drawing more (more than just doodles squeezed haphazardly between and over lecture notes, that is), and I even wrote a bit over spring break. Have not reviewed it and don't know how I feel about it! I need to do that as well. Also, I was getting more organized and efficient with my homework but then spring break happened, and I read four books in four days. That was itself lovely and I haven't been reading nearly enough since college, but then today on the first day back in school I read another book and completely neglected all extant homeworks. Alas!

    I'm glad you're liking your job better! I actually think I might enjoy a cleaning job (despite current state of my room.) It's very stress relieving, I find.

    Well, you look very lovely in that photo, despite all feelings of lost and irrelevance (of course you can be lost in your own life, but never irrelevant, because it is your life. and that makes it important, even if you never the know the impact you and your life are having or will have.) As for winter arsenic, the breath of spring is just around the corner.

    1. That's excellent productivity! Even reading all those books. Reading expands the mind, right? So it equals productivity. We can just forget that bit about neglected homework. *cough* ;)

      Oh believe me, as much as I enjoy cleaning, my room is still perpetually in a state of disarray. Heh.

      Thank you, my dear sagacious Jenica. You are right. xxx Mm, I can't wait for that breath of spring! March here has been colder than January and February. Most annoying.

  4. Seriously, you have a great eye for quotes - it seems like you can always find perfect voices to add to whatever's going on in your life.

    I'm glad to see a new blog post from you! Even if you're still struggling, it's good that you're relaxing as much as you can and taking walks again (I really wish I could do that - but it's getting too hot too leave the house again. Darn you, Florida!).

    My own writing has been a struggle recently, what with being wrapped up in impending graduation, job hunting, and agent hunting. Until I move forward in at least one of these areas, I feel stuck. I can't write, or, when I do, it's forced and takes a very long time. It's not a great feeling, but I think it's only temporary. I've never been so stressed in my life, probably (I mean, finally leaving the cramped womb of academia is startling, but unnecessary, haha).

    Let's hang in there and work through those roadblocks. Our writing must succeed! :D

    1. Ahh, thanks! I can't even take credit, really; I seem to come across them serendipitously. I think it must be my super power. XD

      :) :) (I'm not looking forward to summer for that reason! I don't enjoy hot walks. I get overheated walking in the winter, for pete's sake!)

      Oh goodness, that is a lot of stress to be under! If you weren't struggling with your writing, I think you'd be inhuman. ;) I'm positive it's temporary. And I'm sure our writing will prevail past these roadblocks. It must, indeed! :D

  5. Replies
    1. I am sorry to hear that. I wish you all the best in vanquishing these feelings, Avy!

  6. I really and truly, whole-heartedly relate. I've lost the magic with writing.. And I'm struggling to grasp it back but I just keep falling. And failing.

    1. I'm happy I can find people who relate... yet also sad, because I know how frustrating it is! I really hope you can recapture the magic soon. It has a habit of sneaking back when you're not looking. :)


Silhouettes of a secret. A story told over a cuppa. Or perhaps just sitting on that stone bench, basking in the moonlight... and not saying anything at all.

("I can no other answer make but thanks, and thanks, and ever thanks." -Shakespeare, Twelfth Night)