Friday, December 9, 2011

the mental quiet

Quiet: the dearest of friends,
not a foe.

It was perturbing, at first,
to have silence inside and out;
only silence spinning a web in the eaves.

But the absence of a heartbeat,
no more creaking bones became
the most tranquil way of existence.

My mind let out a whir, infrequently:
a sound akin to raindrops
brushing past
the outspread fingers of the trees.

(Sleep on,
sleep on:
never dream aloud.

Bite back those thoughts.
Any sound might
melt this trance.)

Wishes slipping,
visions tripping:
the eventual souring of sleep.
I wake in a soaked, black-scribble bed.

And it haunts me the only reason I pray is
to remember you to God.

For now my soul has been opened, eroded
by the aggression of tears.


How long until
I don't care again?


This piece is a strange combination of poetic license and a mélange of reality. I suppose that's hardly atypical, but I felt the need to mention it for some reason. The poem (as I suppose it is) was greatly inspired by the fact I've not been writing for the past... three weeks, I think? At first, I didn't really care; but finally it started eating me up inside, just eating me up. Yet I didn't want to force the issue, and the few thoughts that gleamed in the distance never felt worth pursuing. (The line between laziness and weariness often becomes saddeningly blurred for me. *sigh*) Scary things happened in vulnerable moments; I'd think, "Why do I bother writing?" or "I've had it with struggling with my music." Several mornings in a row, I nearly fell to pieces while trying to decide what to wear that day; I was that tired of having to get up every morning and live. But the Carole King song 'Beautiful' kept getting in my head: "You've got to get up every morning / with a smile on your face / and show the world / all the love in your heart..."
I've kept that song in mind, and, thanks to the fact my writing drought has ended, I'm trying to be more positive. While I haven't got the smile down yet, I get up every morning with a lighter heart, at least. And I'm extensively relieved to finally be writing again. I'm trying to make sure I never lose sight of my dreams again by remembering that, while writing is hard at times, especially as a possible career, ultimately it's what I love most. Haven't felt brave enough to work on songwriting again, but we're getting there.

Now I'm just hoping to be hit by some Christmas spirit... :) Maybe if the warm-ish weather would go away that would help. Please?

{Song is 'Beautiful' by Carole King and the painting is In Bed by Federico Zandomeneghi.}


  1. Oh i hope the christmas spirit finds you soon! these words are beautiful, as ever, i hope you never doubt your writing ability because you are so very, very talented. xx

  2. it is a wonderful feeling to be able to write after a pause (no matter how long or short), my pause lasted for over a year... you are very talented, always remember that!
    wishing you happy and peaceful times for christmas and beyond <3

  3. Dear Melee,

    Somehow your blog mysteriously disappeared from my Google Reader subscriptions, so I had to manually add it again. I'm so glad I checked your blog this morning and saw an update from you.

    This poem is incredible & fascinating!


    I'm on a creative writing break right now. At first I thought it might last forever... now I have a certain & pleasant feeling that it is just a break and that I will return to writing with a more effective method (taking breaks while working on a particular piece!).

    As for now, my plan is to read more than ever during this little "vacation from writing" time and write only my journal pages.

    It's a relief to know what we love and to love it through the hard times.

    Wishing you a beautiful Christmas & cheerfulness through the season. May a gentle smile return to your face :)

  4. Oh dearest, I too have been slightly deteriorating... difficulties in waking up and simply living are ones I understand all too well as of late. but I've decided to be strong instead, to get myself together and create a beautiful life. Today we're putting up our tree and all our favourite decorations, I'm going for plenty of walks out in the crisp white snow, and I'm finally feeling that I can push myself to be who I want to be. I just know you can do it as well!


  5. The poem is just so beautiful. I think it's one of your very best. And I am glad that you're writing again; I sympathize fully with your drought. I've been feeling something of the sort, with short rainfalls, for rather awhile...

  6. holly and the wolves: I am crossing my fingers! Sadly, I do often find myself doubting it. Thank you for being one of the shining beacons in my dark and doubtful days. <3

    E: Oh my! I cannot even imagine what despair I would be in after a year of silence! Though, I suppose it becomes an accepted fact after a while. Still...
    Thank you, my dear. Might I say, you are too! :) Same to you; I hope your Christmas season and the seasons afterward are full of joy and peace. <3

    Jade: Oh the mysterious and aggravating workings of the internet! I'm glad you did too; I'd be sad if I never heard from you again. :)

    Thank you so much!

    That is good to know you've also had some struggles with creative writing and are strengthened because of it. I hope you come back from this time away refreshed and more beautiful than ever.

    I always read more when I'm not writing too. And journal, too; though these past couple weeks I haven't even wanted to do that!

    Same to you, lovely lady! I hope you have a blessed Christmas full of warm hearts and bright skies. <3

    Jhordyn Ashley: How absolutely wonderful that you have made these resolutions! Thank you for your reassuring faith in me; I have the utmost in you too. Taking walks is one of my greatest solaces too. Mine haven't been in the snow, though; I certainly wish they were! <3

    Jenica: Oh, thank you! It makes me really happy you think that. :) I was about to say something like "I hope you get drenched soon" which just sounds rather strange, but hopefully you'll get what I mean. :)

  7. Oh my. This poem is absolutely breathtaking. Left me wordless.

    There are always times when words disappear somehow. Be it for weeks or months even or only a few days it always makes me feel guilty somehow. It starts to eat you up, it really does. I'm in the midst of such times at the moment. I can't write, I can barely even read other people's writing. I can't even respond to emails or comments. I just somehow can't. But I know it'll get better soon enough. Writing is sometimes, if not always, emotionally draining so I think of these times as sort of vacations. I'm glad yours is over however. It's always such a pleasure to read your writing.

  8. "My mind let out a whir, infrequently:
    a sound akin to raindrops
    brushing past
    the outspread fingers of the trees."

    And the scribble-bed? Woah. As usual, your writing is stunning!

    I'm happy to hear that your writing drought is over - those are always the worst times and can last longer than we like. I'm going through that now, but I know that I'll get out of it in a few more days, haha.

    Music is so helpful, isn't it? As if to make up for that writing fatigue, I've listening to as much music as I can - sort of to clear my head and gets the cogs a-rollin' again.

    Stick with it and enjoy Christmas :) I think it's going to be awesome this year!

  9. Jessica: Oh! Thank you so much, dearest. <3

    Ugh, yes - I am terribly familiar with all those feelings. I do so hope your break is not unbearably long! Viewing it as a vacation is an excellent thought; difficult too, I should imagine, but rewarding once you can see it that way. Aww, thank you. :) I feel the same way about your writing.

    CloudyKim *blush* Thank you so much, Kim!

    Haha, I hope you're right! You do seem pretty undefeatable. :)

    It is, it is! That's a good plan. Music does seem to oil up those cogs for smoother movement!

    Dare I hope? I think my Christmas spirit starting to blossom...! Yup, I think it is going to be. :)

  10. A beautiful poem, dearest M. I think it reflects your thoughts and feelings very well. Usually, if I stop writing for a length of time, I become moody and withdrawn. When I start writing again, I feel much brighter. It's hard, but at least the words have come back to you now. I hope you find your festive cheer - and soon. x

  11. Darling B, thank you. Your comments are always such a sweet encouragement. It's strange how not writing (or writing at last!) can affect one's mood so much! I think the non-writer population would find us terribly strange, but that's alright. Thank you, it is starting to feel a bit more like Christmas... :)

  12. That poem is beautiful, Melee. And though I don't know that song, the lyrics you posted is really, really lovely, (I can't listen to the audio bec our speaker is broken. haha!)

    Writing has been hard for me too - until now. But I'm glad you're writing again. I can't imagine you would ever stop writing. (If you do, I'll be the first one to cry :>)

  13. Thank you so much, dearest haze. Haha, I am all too familiar with malfunctioning speakers. I hope you can give it a listen sometime - the lyrics really are quite wonderful. :)

    And I'm glad your writing is better too! I shall certainly endeavour to make sure you never have to cry for that reason! ♥

  14. I'm so glad that your writing drought has ended! Mine seems to be slowly ending as well :)
    How's the Christmas spirit going? Mine is still lacking it seems.

  15. Like you, I'm often disturbed by the sound of the quiet. It can ring loud, and keep me awake at night sometimes. Glad you made it into art, and poetry.

  16. P.s. I am Me: Thank you! That is excellent news and I am likewise glad about your drought's ending. :)
    It's fluctuating; still hasn't been anywhere near high enough. :| I hope all that is lacking in both of our Christmas spirits disappears this week!

    Shopgirl: As much as I appreciate quiet, there are times when the silence becomes suffocatingly apparent and loud, as you so aptly put it. Thank you so much. :)

  17. I really wish I could write poems like you. You are my inspiration, really. You are truly amazing.

  18. Sweetest Lili - you are an angel of encouragement. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. <3


Silhouettes of a secret. A story told over a cuppa. Or perhaps just sitting on that stone bench, basking in the moonlight... and not saying anything at all.

("I can no other answer make but thanks, and thanks, and ever thanks." -Shakespeare, Twelfth Night)