Well, it hasn't been quite 4 months...

Bonjour anyone who is still here!

I wanted to have some writing to share the next time I posted here, but all I have are a pile of passive aggressive poems. And my usual plethora of stories that are forever in the process of being written. (Lately I've been working on a short story. I was enchanted with it once, but now I feel I am doing a poor job writing it. But I shall prevail and finish. I hope.)

To be honest, I am trying not to feel like a complete failure. I don't even want to talk about the things I have failed at. Yet everyone (my parents, mainly) is still so supportive, and I'm sure at any moment they will realize they are wasting their time and love.

Oh, but I didn't want to head down that miry road...

Hm.

Some highlights since I last posted: I turned 20 (is that a highlight?); my sister got married; I saw a James McCartney gig; I got my very own Ellowyne Wilde (there's a long backstory for that); I've watched all of Community and Pushing Daisies and started a lot of other awesome TV series.

That's all I can think of. A highlight this week is that I'm going to go see Before Midnight in theaters. Eep! Before Sunrise and Before Sunset have been my favourite movies since I was 15. I may end up going to see it alone, which I've never done before, but there is little that could keep me away from seeing it.

I hope to be on blogger more this summer. Mostly to comment, as I'm not sure how much I'll be blogging here. Though I do plan on music blogging in the next week and also more after that, so you can visit my music blog if you like.

I hope you are all well, mes amies.

Weeds

"...I have not written anything to-day worth a sou. I have passed the day in a kind of idleness. Why? Does it take so long to begin again? Is it my old weakness of will? Oh, I must not yield! I must this evening, after my supper, get something done. It's not so terribly hard after all. And how shall I live my good life if I am content to pass even one day in idleness? It won't do. Control -- of all kinds. How easy it is to lack control in little things! And once one does lack it the small bad habits--tiny perhaps--spring up like weeds and choke one's will."

-The Journal of Katherine Mansfield

Ah, Katherine. Indeed. I've got quite the garden full of weeds. What is my excuse? I'm not even battling a fatal illness.

I lack control in several areas of my life. But I've been trying to work on it. I've been taking walks almost every day (which is a habit I lost over the summer and never regained and consequently gained quite a few pounds). When I make to-do lists, I actually try and accomplish everything on them. I try to be more organized. (My organization probably looks like chaos to truly organized people, but shhh...)

And... hm, I don't really know specifically. I'm just trying to choke all these tiny weeds I've let grow.

It's been a while since I've last posted. Not much has happened. Let's see... um, I've watched a lot of movies, atypically enough. (Usually I just watch TV shows or British youtubers.) That's really the only interesting thing I've done. Oh, and I got to be a dental assistant for like two hours the other week. (Funny things can happen whilst volunteering at a medical clinic...)

I've been happier at work, lately. (Work as in my cleaning job, not volunteering.) My hours have lessened greatly and I haven't been to the grocery store in a month. (By myself, that is. I've been shopping with my mother, though. It snowed the other week and we walked to the grocery store, which was hilarious. But that's another story.)


Also, in the time I've been away my sister has gotten engaged. She's getting married in May. I've a myriad of feelings about that, to be sure. Quite stereotypical ones. I won't bother writing about them. Plus, it doesn't feel real. Very little does, though.


I feel lost and irrelevant in my life. I've forgotten so much. I don't even know exactly what I mean by this, I just feel it's true.

Maybe it's just the arsenic of winter building up in my veins.

I want to write again.

I mean, I still write, but the magic isn't there. I read things I've written in the past, and I am amazed. I don't remember writing these words; I don't know how I came up with these sentences that show promise of talent.

You can tell me I still have the talent, but I won't believe you

 "I didn't care that I wasn't writing because I didn't care about anything. That was similar to what I'd felt during various depressions -- words always out of reach. Words on a shelf too high for my lazy, faithless arms; words blurred and smeared around the sides of the errant crucible that was my mind; words a thing I had been smitten with now betraying me with their dullness."

-Frances & Bernard by Carlene Bauer

I need to stop hiding my words. It wasn't done on purpose, but I haven't shared a legitimate piece of writing since summer. I hope next time I post I'll have a piece of writing to share. And I hope my next post isn't almost 4 months in the making.


{Picture is by and of me. It's from an incredibly old "photoshoot" that has already popped up a couple times on this blog over the years. It's just the best picture I could find to convey the words "lost and irrelevant".}