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I seem to have lost the art of communication
somewhere in the time between riding this ghost-ridden carousel
and standing at the top of the Leaning Tower of Me.
And somewhere between the folds of my dirty sheets,
lies my heart, which must have slipped out while I was sleeping.
I keep the window shut, so it can't have gone anywhere else.
Oh, no matter how much you hum to yourself, it can't sate your craving of song.
And no matter how hard you search,
you won't be able to find what I really want to say
between these silly lines.
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This is lame. But I feel rather lame these days; it's reflecting in these meanderings.
I feel like I've not had a real conversation with anyone in weeks. I've built a wall of chatter around me, and I throw loaves of drivel over it to satisfy those who may want to come in.
I'm tired of talking about my pain, since it just makes me feel worse. I prefer to let myself slip into that familiar emotional monotone. I'm very tired of it all. But even writing this has made me feel bad. Ugh. Let's move on to something happier....
Want to hear me singing a cappella?
Okay, well maybe that's not something happier, but I have all these recordings rotting on my computer, so why not?
This was recorded a few weeks ago, when everyone was out to dinner, but I stayed home, because I had eaten out with them the night before and that was enough for me. Not that I don't love my family, but I'm not a big fan of restaurants. (The grandparents were in town; we don't generally eat out that often. :P)
Here's me singing part of 'Hey, Who Really Cares' by Linda Perhacs.
Me, I am mediocre - but the song is wonderful, as is its writer.
Tonight I feel alright. Content, even? What is the secret to making these feelings last, pray tell?
(P.S. I have recently come out of the closet to the general public about my real name. It begins with "Beth" and ends with "any". :P I don't care if you call me that, or if you call me Melee. I will continue to write under this dear pseudonym, though.)
{The text at the top was scanned from The Moviegoer by Walker Percy.}
Oooo. I don't want to hear "me" and "mediocre" in the same breath again, please. Unless, of course, you're talking about fire eating. Or ear candling. Or Candy Land.
ReplyDeleteSing me another line, please, Melee. I can spare you the time and then a little more.
And you will never be Bethany to me. I hope you're okay with that.
I'll try to remember those special cases, because I am certainly very mediocre at all those things. ;)
DeleteThat answer my question of who cares: you. Thank you for your sweet words which have made me smile. I'll sing for you any time. :)
More than okay. :) I have another dear friend who feels the same way.
Another song! You sound lovely! Your voice is powerful and delicate at the same time. I love it and have listened to it several times.
ReplyDeleteI definitely understand what you mean about conversation. A lot of my conversations lately have consisted in myself or the other person thinking out loud to each other about what needs to be done as far as everyday tasks.
I've been contemplating what it means to meaningfully converse and connect with others through conversation, phone or otherwise. It might help if I wasn't so awkward (especially on the phone.)
I've found that for me, too, revisiting the same pain over in conversation seems like the right thing at the time but ends up emphasizing it. So I'm working toward incorporating more silence into my day, and so far so good. And it's partly why I like writing penpal letters.. because there's more time for thinking of something to say, and somehow my heart comes through clearer in written words than spoken ones.
Wishing you well always, lovely one.
Ahh, Jade! You always bring such a glow of encouragement with you. Thank you. :)
DeleteWe're on a similar page, thoughts-wise then! (Oh gosh, I'm terribly awkward on the phone as well.)
Ah yes - I definitely agree. It feels momentarily right, but it really does just end up emphasizing the pain.
My 'heart comes through clearer' via the written word, as well! My speech may be clear, but my meanings get garbled. Though lately, I've even struggled to write letters, but I'm getting through that. :)
Thank you. Bless you, dear one. xxx
"I've built a wall of chatter around me, and I throw loaves of drivel over it to satisfy those who may want to come in."
ReplyDeleteGah, you have such a great way at expressing how you feel, it's so easy to relate and understand it. I want to learn how to throw loaves of drivel - it sounds messy, haha. The little poem you wrote was lovely (of course), but I enjoyed listening to you sing - your voice is wonderful and it matches well to the lyrics of the song :)
I hope your room-cleaning is going well! I think you'll feel better once you do it, even though it's very tiring work :D
Really? :O I always feel like my words I use to express how I feel are dreadfully flat. ACK. Thank you, thank you, thank you, my amazing Kim.
Delete(And I can teach you how to throw loaves of drivel some time. It's all in the wrist, you see!)
It's a slow process, but I managed to get rid of some stuff today. Cleaning is one thing that never fails to make me feel satisfied. :)
Waahh. Your voice makes me sigh and it makes me look outside & watch the rain and appreciate it (bec it kept me gloomy all week). It's beautiful, the song and you. I just loved it..
ReplyDeletep.s. Your poem. Those last few lines. ♥ ♥ ♥. You are forever loved (by ME!!) I really hope yo're feeling a lot better and happier now, MeleeBethany. whatever, they're both beautiful.
Aww, haze - thank you! I like that it made you appreciate the rain! The album it's orignally from is a sort of "stare at the rain" kind of album. :)
DeleteI LOVE YOU FOREVER TOO, HAZE. Thank you infinitely. ♥ ♥ ♥
"which must have slipped out while I was sleeping.
ReplyDeleteI keep the window shut, so it can't have gone anywhere else."
Your words are anything but flat, Melee. How many times shall I say it? I love the way you write.
Sweetest Della, I don't think I could ever thank you enough for your encouragement. Thank you, thank you, thank you. :)
DeleteOh, you aren't lame at all! The poem is lovely, with such unique and evocative metaphors. And your voice has the most beautiful quality, ethereal and simultaneously rich. (What am I going to do with my friends who are all so hard on themselves??) I wish I had some advice to help you be happier--really, really happy.
ReplyDeleteJENICA, you are SO KIND AND AMAZING AND I NEED TO USE CAPS TO TELL YOU THIS, APPARENTLY. THANK YOU SO MUCH. (You could lock us in your closet! I don't know why that would help. But it might be fun to be locked in your closet. Well, maybe not locked...) Oh, goodness knows I wish you had some too. ♥
DeleteOhh this song is wonderful! Eerie but beautiful at the same time, tis glorious my friend. You are such a talent.
ReplyDeleteI hope you feel better about things soon :( life can be a dick sometimes it's true O_O. If you ever want to talk, I am here! (well at sporadic intervals >_< work & life have interfered with my usual internerding and now, after my break, the interent seems like a scary place!) But really talk to meee if you ever want to :D
This clip may cheer you up! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wY6oDAzZUqQ&feature=related me and my pals get a huge kick out of it anyways hehe. xoxoxoxox
ps i linked you some musics on my reply to your comment on my blog :D they are both by modern artists (im not sure if you listen to much modern stuff? You strike me as such an old soul! In the best of ways) but some modern jams are excellent! I hope you like them anyways >_< xxoxxxoxoxoxo
Ahh, thank you, Tilly! You lovely thing, you. xxx
DeleteI hope so too. :| Aww, I will certainly remember your ears are open if I ever need to talk. Thank you, sweet friend.
Hahaha! My favourite part was the bit about the lemon at the end. XD And oh no! Another British show to watch! (Okay, inwardly I'm saying "Oh yes!") :P
You've pegged me correctly - I am definitely an old soul! :) I do listen to a mixture of old and new. Most of the new stuff I listen to is obscure, though. I shall certainly head over and have a listen. :D xoxoxoxo
Thanks for sharing that song (in the comment you left)!! It is terrific! My favourite genre of music is without a doubt 'world' music :D I love foreign music more than anything. I think this stems from my parents love of other cultures and the fact that from a young age we've always had (mostly foreign) lodgers stay with us! - right now we are housing two tres handsome Italian men! I have a lot of friends from other countries too and only tend to date foreign men hehe. 60's Korean songs are a favourite of mine :D
DeleteOhh man sorry if these comments are boring >_< i love discussing music! It's one of my biggest passions- i suppose i am lucky i have so many friends who are extremely musically talented! xoxo
Glad you liked it! :D That's really cool! I've not branched out at all into world music. Ooh, foreign lodgers! My grandparents usually have a couple of those knocking around. It makes for interesting visits. 60s Korean songs? I am intrigued!
DeleteAhh, not boring at all! Do you think I would've started a music blog if I didn't enjoy discussing music? Feel free to discuss/ramble all you want! :) xoxo
you have a beautiful voice, definitely not mediocre. great poem and I hope you find the voice that can cut through the chatter soon.
ReplyDeleteDear shopgirl - how magnificent to hear from you after your absence. :) Thank you for your lovely, kind words. I hope all is right in your world. xx
DeleteThere is absolutely nothing mediocre about you at all. Your voice is (I'll say it a thousand times if I have to) beautiful, and so is your poem. It was so wonderfully written and expressive. Keep creating, and the contentment will last longer, I believe. xxx
ReplyDeleteAh, B - you may have to tell me 999 more times before I truly feel it. You can start whenever you like! ;) (No, no, no - not really. The once was all I need. ♥) Thank you, B. You are infinitely wonderful. And yes, I do need to keep creating; that's the only thing that makes me feel alive. xxx
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