Inert, my Muse and I sit on opposite ends of the couch; a marriage gone sour.
Why don't you love me? I want to ask her.
It's not that we've never fought before; we have and reconciliation was always waiting in the wings. But this time, it's different... We haven't made-up, but I haven't stopped writing. That's the problem; the words still flow and I am shocked by their mediocrity.
My words have reached a staleness that perturbs me. For a while now, I've been unable to shake the feeling that my repertoire is 3 songs long and I just sing them over and over, unable to learn a new melody. I'm surprised those around me don't clap their hands over their ears and run out of hearing range.
The only beauty I can find, as of late, is laced in the words of others, famous or otherwise. And then further endeavouring seems so pointless: why bother when everything has already been expressed so eloquently?
I've felt my abilities dwindling the past few months, and I can no longer ignore their vanishings. I look my ramblings squarely in the face and deem them 'passable'.
Oh! I just so desperately want to write something and to feel that deep, tranquil, satisfying feeling that it is good. I haven't felt that way in a distressingly long time.
Please don't think I'm posting this merely to get attention and your assurances to the contrary. I write what I feel... and this is what I'm feeling now.
It is what it is.
I borrowed Rainer Maria Rilke's Letters to a Young Poet/The Possibility of Being from the library today. So far, it is full of beauty and wisdom. I don't know if it will help my blue funk, but I think it will offer some solace, at least.
{The title of this post is a line from the poem 'Interim' by Edna St. Vincent Millay. The 1st picture is by and of me, and what I'm leaning against is my poster which is the entire play of 'Hamlet'. The 2nd picture is also by me and is the text of the Rainer Maria Rilke poem, 'Autumn', though I'm not sure who the translation is by.}
Oh dearest, abilities can't fade--only inspiration. But it will come back some day, just wait: in the smell of rain or the curve of birdflight, in sorrow or in joy. You'll see :) And I know you weren't fishing for compliments but nonetheless--I assure you I've detected no decline in your writing.
ReplyDeletep.s. Holy what I need that poster.
Not to say your words are as you described, but I can relate to the feeling you described. I am waiting patiently I guess for inspirations to return. In the meantime, I guess I am assuring myself that I'm observing life and collecting my thoughts. :)
ReplyDeleteI want that poster!
ReplyDeleteOn another note, Melee, I fully understand how you're feeling. I think every writer feels like that, sometimes (if not most of the time). But don't despair; it passes. In the meantime, read your favourite writers; allow yourself to be inspired by them; absorb their excellence, and it will start to permeate your own writing. Also, remember that a piece of writing is rarely perfect in its first draft. Reread it, rework it, play around with it, edit it until you're happy with it. But most importantly, trust me, your writing is not mediocre! You always express yourself with such eloquence. Even this post is beautifully written. Perhaps you just don't realise or appreciate what a good writer you are? You need to have some self-belief, for otherwise you will never write anything that pleases you.
Dearest Melee, you are always eloquently creative & I find beauty in all of your posts... While it's natural to have favorites and "golden times" in writing,
ReplyDeletepatience helps me when I'm down about failing by my own standards. (Feeling this way is only natural.)
I try to find something beautiful in all the writings I do, while admitting that I do have certain favorites and golden times.
I absolutely love that Rainer Maria Rilke poem and will have to read more of his work. I vaguely remember reading him though I know I've heard of him plenty of times. :)
Jenica: *sigh* I'm trying to believe that. They do seem to pull an impressive Houdini act, though...
ReplyDeleteYou are, as always, an invigorating breeze of encouragement. Thank you. <3
It's pretty awesome! I've seen others too. Such as the one my blogging friend, Kim, has which is a poster of Pride and Prejudice in its entirety!
Shopgirl: Oh, I like your positive way of viewing this dry spell! I'll have to start thinking more like you. :) I hope we both emerge from this time all the better for it. (And sooner than later would be nice also...)
Thea: Isn't it great? I got it for free, too. Years ago my old youth pastor found it in his attic (or something random like that) and gave it to me because he knew I loved Shakespeare.
Knowing how natural these doubts are does offer some comfort. I've had them before, of course; this time just feels extra-horrible. Thank you for your heartening words. I will do all you suggest. Of course, one can never have enough editing! It often feels like a reflex. :) While it's true I'm not always the first to appreciate my merits, I also used to be pretty good at viewing what I write objectively. I don't seem to able to anymore. Perhaps this is something that will pass, as well; it's hard to say.
Jade: I s'pose it never is a bad thing to cultivate patience, and this could be my time to do so seriously. Thank you so much, dear one.
"I try to find something beautiful in all the writings I do, while admitting that I do have certain favorites and golden times." <---- Those are wise words; I thank you for them. :)
Rilke is a wonderful poet! When I first read him I didn't appreciate him very much, but I went back to his work later and fell in love with it. He does seem to be one of those people who gets mentioned an inordinate amount of times!
But I always find you as one of the best writers on my list. You are and you will always be :)
ReplyDelete(I'm sorry I can't give any advice and my comments are blank as usual. I'm not a writer and I don't have any rights to tell you what to do. So please forgive my everlasting praises (if I sound too repetitive at times). You are one of the best, Melee.)
xx
Oh, dearest haze - your words of encouragement and praise never sound redundant, they are each a luminous pearl I cherish. Thank you. ♥
ReplyDeleteNot a writer? I can't imagine where you got that idea from. You, my dear, are a writer. There's no going back now! ;)
I understand exactly what you mean. I hate wanting to write and not being able to, it makes me feel horrible :( And thankyou for understanding by the way :)
ReplyDeleteIt is a horrible feeling! Having all those pent-up words gives one a mental stomach-ache! (I know that doesn't make much sense, haha.)
ReplyDeleteAww, you're welcome, dear - think nothing of it. :)
Oh dearest, I understand your frustrations. I believe we all go through lulls such as this. There are times when I am entirely empty of words, no matter what I do they don't seem to come to me. But I read something not long ago that resonated with me: "I've never been so empty of words, and never felt so full." I believe that we go through these lulls for a reason--embrace it, allow it to flow through you. Instead of focusing on words focus on all that's around you, both light and dark. They will come back, you are endlessly talented and I have all the faith in the world.
ReplyDeletexx
P.S. Did my letter manage to make its way to your post box?
Oh, Jhordyn - thank you! Thank you for sharing those wise words and your lovely thoughts. I appreciate them so much, I truly do. <3
ReplyDeleteP.S. Yes, it did! It arrived safe, sound, and full of magic. :)
don't forget you are loved! by many. god provides ♥
ReplyDeletesending love your way :) xo
" For a while now, I've been unable to shake the feeling that my repertoire is 3 songs long and I just sing them over and over, unable to learn a new melody." - Aaah! I worry about that too! But I think it's safe to say that until you feel like you've really written that melody you've been repeating, it still needs to be sung. Does that make sense?
ReplyDeleteI know it's hard to suddenly feel like you can't write, but, in my experience, it's like you're going through growing pains. You will be able to write - and improve - but sometimes that means putting down the pen and taking a deep breath. To some extent, I believe that writing can be taught... but there are certain things about it that still remain mysterious. This is one of them.
When I drew a lot, there would be times when everything that came out on paper was awful. I'd put away my drawing supplies for months and weep about it. But then, one day, something just clicked, and I was back again, with much better drawings besides. Sometimes it takes that extra breath for the words to come back. And I guess, when we are too overwhelmed, our body and mind take over for us, haha.
gypsy: Oh, sweetheart. Thank you so much. You are absolutely lovely; thank you for the reminder. ♥
ReplyDeleteCloudyKim: Yes, I believe that does make sense! I'll have to seriously think about that...
You always have excellent perspective and I so, so, so appreciate it. Mysterious, indeed! As much as I love a good enigma, they also drive me crazy.
And I didn't know you were an artist! Why didn't I know that?
Anyhow, I know what that feels like, the sudden "clicking" of what had before been missing. Patience is the key here, I have to remember that.
Oh Melee, your soul is composed of beauty, I should very much like to see the world through your eyes one day.
ReplyDeleteDearest, I miss you so bitterly. I'm sorry I haven't written; it's all terribly hard at the moment. I've lost a complete connection from self, I don't know anything any more. Please know that I love you extremely, even if I don't voice it - my words on here always seem to come out clumsily. I'm losing touch of everything, I don't know.
But anyway, sorry for making this about me; I don't want to taint your loveliness with my selfishness. I'm sorry, I love you. xxx
You are so sweet, Sarah! Though that's very strange; I've often thought the same about you. (Isn't that how it always goes? )
ReplyDeleteOh, dearheart - I am so sorry! Please don't worry about it. It makes me so sad you're going through this horrible time. I can imagine at least some of what you're going through; isolation from self is something I am sadly familiar with. (But I would never assume I understood completely, since these feelings are so individual, I think.) Thank you for telling me, for while you are always in my thoughts, now you will be in my prayers too. I fervently hope your dark night ends soon and blossoms into a day, pouring with light and song.
Nonono! You are not tainting anything.
I love you too, precious girl - I know things will get brighter. ♥