Why are apologies hard?

I jumped down your throat.
I'm sorry; I shouldn't have
And I'd like to make it right...
An apology lingers on my lips,
Remorse lurks in my eyes.
But it's hard to speak the words.
What makes apologizing so hard?
Admitting I was wrong?
Baring my heart for another to see?
Or am I unable to be sincere?
Maybe you've even forgotten the incident by now.
But I haven't... so it really doesn't matter.
Peace won't come easy until I've made it right.
But the courage I need is hard to find
And still... I'm not... sure... why...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I meant to write a happy post about swinging in my backyard... But somehow this wrote itself instead. Maybe I shouldn't say 'somehow' since I know exactly why I chose this subject to write on. *sigh*
But, there's always tomorrow for a happy post!

Tag Thingy!

I've been tagged by the lovely Marian to do this tag thing, if I so desire! Since I do so desire here it goes! :)

Rules:
-Replace any question that you dislike with a new question.
-Tag eight people. Don't refuse to do that. Don't tag who tagged you.

{Hehe, I might ignore that second rule, there....}

What song are you currently addicted to?
Definitely 'Blue and Gold Print' by Mates of State.

What books are you currently reading?
Well... I'm getting over an illness I had for a week. And during the end of that, I got a case of ennui. So I started picking-up books reading a few chapters or more and then I would forget to pick them up again.... So right now, I'm reading Sylvie and Bruno by Lewis Carroll, What Katy Did Next by Susan Coolidge, So Long and Thanks for All the Fish by Douglas Adams, & All Creatures Great and Small by James Herriott. There are probably some more.... but don't worry. I'll finish them all. :P

What's your favourite colour?
Light blues, light purples, silver, & sunset!

What's your favourite hobby?
Finding new music to listen to, playing the piano, singing, and reading.

Sweet or Salty?
Euh... it depends on my mood. Most the time I go for sweet. But I love salty as well!

What's your current fandom/obsession/addiction?
The books series The Mysterious Benedict Society by Trenton Lee Stewart

Cake or ice cream?
Let's be indulgent and say both! ;)

What websites do you always visit when you go online?
Usually google, blogspot, & wikipedia.

What was the last thing you bought?
The album Did You Give the World Some Love Today, Baby? by Doris. {I bought it on emusic.}

What fictional character do you think you're most like?
Marvin from The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Or maybe Puddleglum from The Silver Chair. :P
Really, I'm not sure... Oh! On second though, probably Laura Deal from A White Bird Flying!

Favorite toy growing up?
Dolls, my sister and I's dollhouse, stuffed animals. Hm, I was really girly when I was little. When I was a little older, I loved playing Robin Hood with my brothers. Who was Robin Hood? Me of course!

Favorite instrument?
The piano! Because I love the way it sounds and it's the only instrument I can play besides the kazoo.

What was the last meal you ate?
Breakfast. I really need to go eat lunch......

Do you want to learn another language?
Well, I'm learning French... so I guess the answer would be yes.

Five things you really appreciate:
1. Autumn
2. Obscure music
3. The beauty of doing nothing
4. Blank paper waiting to be filled
5. Dental floss

What's one of your favorite quotes?
"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sounds they makes as they fly by." - Douglas Adams

What's something you'd like to say to someone right now?
My, my! You're looking extensively grandiful today. {Everyone else thinks I'm talking to them. But really I'm only talking to YOU!} :)

What are you looking forward to?
My fever disappearing and my computer getting better.

I tag:
Anyone who reads this and wants to do it! Please, feel free!!

Uppercase "I"

One day, I was doing my French homework, and I started thinking about the way I write the letter "I". I write it vertically, without two horizontal lines on each end. Like this: I. And I realized... I didn't used to write it that way! I used to write it with the horizontal lines. I became consumed with curiosity of when this change happened. So, I consulted my faithful journal which I kept from late 2000 to early 2009 and I found out something very interesting...
On January 1, 2006, I was writing my "I's" with the horizontal lines. The next entry, which was January 26, 2006, the horizontal lines were gone!
Strange, non?
I'm wondering now, what in the world happened that made me start writing my "I's" differently? I'm fairly certain it wasn't an intentional change... Was there someone I knew who wrote their "I's" that way and I unknowingly picked it up from them?
It does make me wonder... and I don't think I shall ever know. *sigh*

On a similar note, I forgot how therapeutic writing in my journal is. Today I picked up my journal with the intention of only writing a few lines. I ended up writing a two page entry! It was wonderful. :)

As I play my piano...

When everyone has left, that's when I play.
I play the loneliness I don't want to speak of...
No one is there to judge or praise the way I play my piano.
If there's a song I love I can play it over & over.
No one gets annoyed.
No one tells me to stop.
Hours pass, I play on.
Exhaustion consumes me...
My eyes burn, my back aches
But I stay alive through the familiar notes.
My hands almost move mechanically over the keys,
But it comforts me.

Picture: Catherine Ireton from God Help the Girl

{smile weakly, change the subject}

I have no desire to be thin-skinned… And I usually do have a fully developed sense of humour. It’s just that…

{some days it is so hard to find the strength to laugh at one’s self.}

A younger me

Today we watched old home videos...
Curiously, I watched the three year old me on the screen.
I don't remember her!
We're the same person though.
Watching that curly-headed ragamuffin makes me wish I was a better person.
Have I let down that innocent little girl I was?
Am I anything like I thought I would be?
Did I even think about the future then?
I wish I could read the thoughts of the three year old me... or the seven, the ten... or even the twelve.
Sometimes, I wonder about myself....

Not all clever thoughts are true...

A few years ago, as I would read books, I would write down quotes I liked from them {I still do this, just not as often}. Later, I realized that quite a few of these thoughts didn't express the way that I felt. I wrote them down because they sounded beautiful or whimsical or clever. I duped myself into thinking that they expressed the way I felt about things just because I liked the way they sounded.
I have tried to mend my ways in this area, and examine my true feelings before I decide I like something. ;)
I'm not sure if this makes sense or not. But still, it makes me wonder, has anyone else fallen prey to this?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"What are you reading, Kathie?" [Abbie] called.
"Michael Arlen... nothing but. He's delicious. Everything he says sounds silky. Listen to this, Granny;

'....love is like a hammer....'
'Oh, not a hammer!'
'A hammer, darling. It beats and beats inside him and presently it doesn't beat so regularly, and presently it doesn't beat at all...'

"Doesn't that just melt in your mouth?"
"The words are very clever. But not all clever words are true."
"You said a bookful Granny. And inversely most things that are true are not clever."

-Excerpt from A Lantern in Her Hand by Bess Streeter Aldrich