Sunday, January 15, 2012

But it's my theme, really.

Emily's Theme
by Charles Simic

My dear trees, I no longer recognize you
In that wintry light.
You brought me a reminder I can do without:
The world is old, it was always old,
There's nothing new in it this afternoon.
The garden could've been a padlocked window
Of a pawnshop I was studying
With every item in it dust-covered.

Each one of my thoughts was being ghostwritten
By anonymous authors. Each time they hit
A cobwebbed typewriter key, I shudder.
Luckily, dark came quickly today.
Soon the neighbors were burning leaves,
And perhaps a few other things too.
Later, I saw the children run around the fire,
Their faces demonic in its flames.


Feeling strange & undefinable. Nothing seems important anymore & that scares me. I'm not depressed, or at least it doesn't feel like I am; but strains of November echo back & my dreams feel like they never belonged to me. I don't know what to do now that my hopes, my passions stare at me with the eyes of a stranger. So I devour the printed word & pretend that this ache is negligible & will go away even if I do nothing to try & alleviate it.

I don't know what else to do.

Also, I wasn't going to tell you all this now, but I keep putting it off, though I did wish to get it off my chest, so... The problem between my mother & I that I mentioned a couple of posts ago was this: she found out about my self-harm of last winter. There are no words to describe how it felt to make her so sad & guilty. Because, of course, she blamed herself to a greater extent than she should have. I always knew she would, should she (God forbid) ever discover this secret; still, there was little I could say to assuage her sorrow.

Things are all right now. A little different, but good. Admittedly, I do still feel a little on edge at times...

Of course, this might have come as a surprise to everyone, since I never made more than a couple, vague allusions to my cutting. I want to make it clear I'm not that girl anymore. I haven't been for a while; I had moved on, which is why it was so painful to have all those memories dredged up.
Thank you all for always caring. I don't know where I'd be without my dear blogging friends.

I felt calm today while sitting in church. I am daring to hope that soon my dreams will be mine again, cherished & familiar; they will come back, wagging their tails behind them... :)

{Photo is by Linda McCartney.}


  1. Somehow I'm not surprised at all. Not that you seem that kind of person who would cut - actually I don't think there is any 'type of person who cuts'. It's just that I somehow know that cutting is a secret many of us keep. I myself have cut. In fact I never told this because I couldn't find a way to write it down and didn't even want to make it public. But a little over a month ago I cut after years of having not cut a single time. I am not that girl anymore too but I suppose for that moment I was. I'm only telling this because I want you to understand that I know exactly where you're coming from.

    I'm starting to feel depressed and hopeless and disappointed as of late. Remember how we wished that this winter would not be like the winter before? Well, even though things seem a little stark now I still believe it's going to get easier, for you and me both. It's strange really, how I have this hope thriving inside of me no matter how I feel.

    I miss you Melee and I miss the whole blogger community. I don't know, I may come back sooner than I thought because I have so many words and I long to share them like I used to. I hope things will get better soon for you and perhaps for me too.

    - Lena xxx

  2. I realized that too - there really is no "type of person who cuts". Especially since I always thought I'd be the last person to do any such thing. The whole experience was a huge wake-up call to the fact of the seemingly uncharacteristic secrets a shocking number of us have. Thank you for sharing that, Lena; especially in light of the fact you had previously chosen to keep it private. Your understanding means a lot to me. I am glad you're not that girl anymore, either. I too had an isolated event where I cut again after I had stopped, but it just wasn't where I was any longer.

    I do remember that; and I think you're right. I don't think life will get quite that dark again. I'm sorry you've been feeling so low, though. I pray that hope continues to thrive within you.

    I miss you too, Lena. I understand that; I can't tell you how many times I've considered taking blogger breaks (for one reason or another) only to realize I couldn't possibly. There is something in the outpouring of thoughts and the solidarity that is extremely comforting. Should you decide to come back sooner than you thought, I certainly would not complain... :) Thank you. I sincerely hope things get better for you, too. ♥

  3. I wish you all the happy thoughts and sunshine (even if it is behind the clouds). I have a history of self harming too so I can relate to your feelings. Remember to stay true to yourself and do things that you love and make you happy!

  4. Thank you for being you <3 My prayers are with you, dear Melee. I hope that your dreams will return to you, as dazzling and clear as ever before. May you feel Jesus with you always.

  5. They said cutting is a way to loosen up emotions and painful feelings, but I've never thought of doing it. (Ok, once, maybe twice but never did it coz I'm afraid of more pain).

    This post saddened me but at some point made me happy - that you are not that person anymore. I'm praying for you, Melee, if it helps.


  6. E: Thank you, my sweet, for your lovely words and your solidarity. I will remember that. :)
    You are a precious girl; I hope you know that. ♥

    Jade: :) And thank you for being a sweet presence in my life. ♥ Also, many thanks for your prayers; I need every single one of them.

    haze: I never really understood my motives, but I'd say that's basically true. Though it seems strange to be thankful of fear, I'm glad you're wary of more pain. I really wouldn't wish this experience on anyone.

    I am happy it didn't drown you with sadness. It's getting better all the time, as the song says. It does help - thank you, dear one. ♥

  7. Beautiful, brave Melee. I am very glad to read that those days are behind you; I truly hope they will remain behind you (and that your relationship with your mother will become as smooth as a windless lake) for the rest of your life. x

  8. I am glad that you are okay now, albeit melancholic. It makes me sad that you're feeling like this at the moment - aching dreariness is not an enjoyable state. I hope things get better for you and that you soon return to being yourself. I'm always here if you need to talk about anything, I'll always listen :)

  9. It's awful, feeling as though nothing is important, isn't it? I used to feel that way very often... (My life has changed a lot since then, and I think I'm mostly happier because of it, but I sometimes envy people who only care about one thing... or nothing at all...) I hope that it will go away soon! Actually, I'm sure it will--and I'm sure your dreams will be even more important than they were before.

    And--is it terrible of me to feel a bit happy about your cutting in the past? Of course not because you hurt yourself or because something drove you to do it, and certainly because you're a different person now, but... well, it's a very silly thought, but I sometimes feel as though I'm the only person who goes through pain. I feel a lot stronger when I realise that other people, especially my friends, feel sadness, anger, exhaustion, and worry just like I do.

    (So, I suppose, the reason I'm so quick to say, "I understand the feeling!" is because I hope that I can make someone feel even a little bit stronger...)

  10. Postscript: I'm so happy to be friends with you. :)

  11. B: Sweetling - could I ever thank you enough for your lovely words? I don't think so. But thank you. ♥ xx

    P.s. I am Me: I just want to give you a hug. :) As that is an impossibility, a virtual one will have to suffice... *HUGS* Thank you for your sweetest comment, dear. The fact your ears are always open for me is such a wonderful thing to know. Thank you. I actually think things are looking up! ♥

    Lumina: It is indeed terribly awful to feel nothing is important, but I think the vigour of my dreams is renewing. Thank you for your sweet encouragement.
    I am glad you don't feel that way anymore.

    No, no! Feeling that way is not terrible. :) Aww, I'm sorry you've felt isolated in your pains and frustrations etc. I've sometimes felt that way too. You are certainly not alone. It's sort of sad how we don't always let each other see the dark depths we all plunge into, though it's normal. It's hard to let others see our vulnerabilities, but I almost feel it would be better if we would more often...
    It is good that you're quick to say that. It does make others feel stronger. Me included. :)

    Postscript: Ahh! Darling! Your comment: It made my heart so happy, and your p.s. was the cherry on top. I'm so happy to be friends with you too. ♥ ♥ ♥

  12. Melee -

    I enjoy your poems and stories. My prayers are with you for new hopes and bundles of blessings in the new year.

  13. Thank you, darling Shopgirl. I do so appreciate your prayers. I hope this new year is full of blessings for you, too. :)

  14. Firstly, I love the poem you posted. It has a ring of truth to it, about how everything is old. I like it and the thought doesn't scare me like it could - maybe that's why I keep writing. Unlike the speaker of the poem, I don't worry about my thoughts having been said before. If that's the case, they must be important thoughts, right? Haha. Or maybe I'm changing too because of my immersion into the wonderful world of silent film, haha. Old is awesome.

    Also, I wanted to add that I love the double post you did on my blog with the shellphone. Yay, for current commercials! I showed the commercial to my class, since we're analyzing ads, and luckily I didn't cry (because the speakers in the classroom were so bad. It muffled the nostalgia, haha).

    Anyway, I'm glad you shared what you did; I haven't known you for too long, but I can honestly say that I've seen you grow over the past months. I think it's been very positive - your thoughts are always so pensive and endearing. I love reading them, even if I'm slow when it come to keeping up with blogs. Stay as strong as you have been - things will blow over and you'll be okay :)

  15. Oh thankyou :) I've read and own a few of them, and I loved them! I'm not sure how many there are, but I shall search for any others :) My favourite is 'Finding Cassie Crazy' :)

  16. CloudyKim: I'm glad you liked the poem! Charles Simic is one of my favourites. I try not to worry about saying things that have already been said, but sometimes I feel terribly futile. Other than that I agree that old is great and the fact our thoughts intersect with those of past people is sort of gratifying! :)

    Hehe, glad you appreciated my double posting. "Muffle nostalgia" - I love the way you put that! But I know exactly what you mean; it's amazing what crappy speakers do.

    Ack! Kim! You're going to make me cry! Sometimes I feel like I haven't come very far, so that you've seen change is... wonderful. Thank you for being an amazing and encouraging friend. I always smile when I see you've commented; I don't mind how late or early they come, hehe. Thank you. I hope so. :)

    P.s. I am Me: Oh, yay! You love them too! I thought you might have heard of them, considering the author is Australian. There are only four, so you might've read them all already. There's Feeling Sorry for Celia, Finding Cassie Crazy (which is my favourite too! In the US it's called The Year of Secret Assignments), The Betrayal of Bindy Mackenzie, and Dreaming of Amelia. Also--though it's hardly similar--if you enjoy humorous, epistolary novels you might like Ella Minnow Pea by Mark Dunn! If you haven't read it already, of course. :)

  17. Hello, it is Hannah (from the old owlery, but I am afraid I had to leave this place and name behind, because there were too many negative memories associated with it.) I just wanted to let you know, that I am still following your words and that you still know how to break my heart with them. You are wonderful!

  18. Oh, hello Hannah! :) Thank you for letting me know. And also, thank you so much for your sweet words! I hope you are finding peace in your new nest. ♥

  19. I know I'm so terribly, terribly late in commenting on this; I'm sorry...
    Perhaps...since you say your passions feel like strangers, and you don't know what to do. You could try taking a class in one of the creative arts? Writing or drawing or pottery or anything. May seem like strange advice. But you see, I've been feeling rather the same. Not being in school, and not *doing* anything different is beginning to stagnate. But I just started a class in oil painting, which I've never done before, and it's actually refreshing to be back in school and doing something different, in a different scene.
    I hope it eventually gets even better between your mother and you. I know I've found that whenever I had a carefully-kept secret, something I knew would cause my parents did end up feeling better after they found out, like a weight slipped away.
    (I know it's been ever so long since I've written you--sorry about that! I'll write within the week, I promise.)

  20. Oh dearest, I have no words... but your letter shall be on its way shortly and I do hope that it might be a light in the dark, even if only in the smallest measure. Your dreams will find you swan, let them run about for awhile, but they will return. Sometimes our dreams can be annihilating, just remember that they are the most important of all.


  21. Jenica: *gives evil eye* Just make sure it doesn't happen again!

    Really though, I don't mind at all. :)

    That actually does sound like a good idea! I'll have to think about it. Though I do have to confess, classroom settings (no matter what's being taught) really freak me out. It's horrible, I know. But there it is. -_-

    So true - it is like a weight. Letting it go is hard, but ultimately it's best to have it out.

    (Have you ever noticed how long it takes me to respond to emails? I'm pretty sure you're still within my time margins, haha.)

    Jhordyn Ashley: Oh, sweet girl - thank you for your dearest words. I know you felt you had none, but no - you did. I will try to remember that. And your letters are always the most brightest and welcome of lights. ♥

  22. I do love them :) they're very well written books. Ohh okay, I have read all four of them then. I'll have to borrow Ella Minnow Pea, I haven't read it yet but I shall :)And thankyou for your comment! It's nice when ramblings turn out okay haha :)

  23. They are so marvelous and lovable! I was so sad when I finished them all. I wish there were four more...
    I hope you like it! And you're welcome. :) It is always so wonderful when ramblings surprise one!


Silhouettes of a secret. A story told over a cuppa. Or perhaps just sitting on that stone bench, basking in the moonlight... and not saying anything at all.

("I can no other answer make but thanks, and thanks, and ever thanks." -Shakespeare, Twelfth Night)